I just googled is it normal to cry alot because of work

 I just googled, is it normal to cry a lot because of work. I have been working at my place for almost 2 years now and the people have made me cry more than a dozen times or more. I feel like crying now.

I work sooo hard and I try my best there. I like the work, I like accounts and figuring that out but the people there are horrid and I'm tired. Even if I work really hard and I try my best their always trying to make me feel small, make me feel as though I made a mistake or I did this wrong and sometimes it's just tiring. 

I am just tired. I cry and I put up with it because of money. They have all this power to affect me like this because of money.

Adulthood sucks or maybe it's just the toxic environment I work at.

The thing with me is if I were to find a place to work at I would settle and stay there but this place. I know it will only be a matter of time until it becomes too much for me and I really don't want to walk out and then go back to being unemployed. 

Covid hasn't really helped me in terms of me now looking for a new job but I need to use them being toxic as a way to motivate me into finding a new job. I can't take anymore of this.

I am so tired. 

Also, sometimes I want to just be self-employed because then I don't have to deal with toxic people and I can just do my own thing. But I need the motivation for that. But I want to try. 

If I can search for a job and also try to think up business ideas or things that could bring in income or even learning a new skill then I will be happy.

But all I know is 2021 I am leaving this place, even if I have to travel long I will do so. 

I have learnt alot, I am grateful for the experience but this is now the time for me to man up and look for better things. 

How Bighit is making me distance myself from BTS

 I've just been crying and I thought let me just sit down and let out everything that I have been feeling. I discovered BTS in 2016, in my final year of university. It slowly happened, I had never stanned a kpop group before. I just liked their music and as I did my coursework and revised for my exams, I listened to their music, I watched their shows and DVD's when I was eating, before going back to revising. 

They made me laugh during the stressful period. I remember fire came out and I was wowed by them. After my final exam I remember going home and watching a ton of BTS videos and waking up and watching more. 

I then went home and I was in the period of looking for a job in what I graduated in and I couldn't find anything. But at the same time I started to get deeper into stanning BTS.

I ended up getting a job and after some months I had to leave for health reasons. During that BTS helped me when I was sad. I was on social media to keep up with them, I learnt to make gifs, I made BTS videos that have over millions of video on youtube, I started writing lol. 

After I got better, I started applying for jobs and I kept on getting rejected. I cried and I would watch Eat Jin videos and I would laugh, I would cry other times and listen to Jungkook's covers and feel better.

Making videos, posts, getting likes and stuff that distracted me, that made me feel less useless. As I was going to job interviews and getting rejected again and again. 

At the beginning I never bought albums, I hadn't bought an album in 7 or 10 years. But I bought BTS's album on itunes and I bought Bon voyage on vlive, the first one it gave me a lot of joy.

I was still unemployed but I still had some money to spend on just that.

Then I finally got a job that was related to my degree. 

I remember the journey I took with BTS, When they won the award at the Billboard awards, I stayed up until 5am because they went on vlive after and I was so happy. Like the way they were so happy and there was so much going on and it was such a wild and exciting experience, even fake love performance and all the times they have gone to the USA for. 

The crack videos made me laugh, the interviews. Watching it live on Rabb.it. I hosted a live stream that was fun watching it with other army's.

I think I have done everything as a fan, I have been to see them live at wembley, that was one the best days of my life, just seeing them live, in real live was beyond amazing. BTS are so talented. 

I have even gone to the cinema to see their movies, it was such a good experience.

Also, for me at one point I was subscribed to Bighit entertainment on youtube and I had the notifications on. I remember youtube changed something once and I was like noo, I need my notifications. 

When I first heard about a new boygroup debuting under bighit I wasn't too keen but I thought then that bighit were a genuine non-greedy company. 

And I do have to say on vlive, when they first introduced BTS ch+ which at the time, I remember Jimin went on live on BTS ch+, they was a chat, there was BTS pictures posted only on there. it was £20 for a year. 

I remember looking at other groups at the time and compared to a lot of other groups at the time they were actually cheaper so I was like wow bighit is actually reasonable, so I got the membership. All we really got was Run behind maybe once in a while one of the boys would go on the chat. But I was fine with that.

Okay, back to TXT, before their debut I was still interested to know what they would be like. What we had seen from bighit was that BTS would have their own team and txt would have their own team. They would be completely separate. That was what was sold.

They were first introduced with introduction videos, were they didn't say anything, fair enough and then another round of silent videos showing only their visuals. Then I was over it. I wanted to know if they can sing or dance. I thought considering how big BTS were only the best of the best would be auditioning to Bighit. 

I guess I was wrong. Then they debuted, I wasn't too impressed, they were a few songs that were ok then I forgot about them. This time on Bighit entertainment, I was getting now notifications from txt even speed art paintings...like really. 

I didn't mind but then when they changed to bighit labels, they acquired source music, gfriend and seventeen's label which they denied and denied even though seventeen was on weverse. Oh gosh..

The thing about txt is that their second album wasn't bad, I liked 20cm, I even watched one of their reality shows. They seem nice but one thing that I couldn't find was who was my bias, for BTS, it was Jimin and he is so talented. But with txt I just couldn't find that. I remember seeing a post saying the reason why we can't pick a bias in txt is cos of army's, it was a stupid post the thing I took from it was it wasn't only me who couldn't choose a bias. They are nice kids but I don't think any one of them has that star quality. I remember when they had debuted, I had subscribed on vlive and their youtube channel but i remember bighit had given them a run copy kind of episode and they were so awkward and boring. I had to just unsubscribe from both. 

January 2020, they started uploading gfriend stuff on bighit labels. That was when I unsubscribed. I never would have thought in a million years I would be unsubscribing to bighit ever but it happened.

The thing is when gfriend came out years ago I liked their first two songs, the song was catchy, the music video and dances were amazing but they kept on coming out with the same kinda concept and I got bored like many people and they were left behind. When people talk about kpop girlgroups gfriend didn't even come into the picture.

And now their being shoved down army's throats, 99% of people subscribed to bighit labels are army like me.

Also as they were promoting gfriend, that was during BTS comeback, then they did a corporate meeting which made me cry. I am not even going to go through the bs they talked about. They were selling bts memberships, concert tickets were going on sell. Then the whole art photography mess. Overall, the comeback was a mess, I love the album though.

I want to say when they did the pre-orders, the same day...hold on let me say first that a few years back, when BTS came to the O2 Arena I didn't get tickets but I remember hearing that there was a korean shop that sold their albums. I was going to to london anyways that day so I decided to go there. I got the last love yourself album and I was so happy. I got my first photocard and it was amazing. The next album I pre-ordered one from amazon. It came the day after the release. But because I had pre-ordered it I couldn't choose which version I wanted so when Map of the soul:7 went on pre-order. Now I have a job, I went on Amazon and I pre-ordered all 4 versions. 

When the albums came they were so big and the booklet was non existent, I had these newspaper pullout pages, the pictures on two of the albums were so dark I couldn't see anything. The photocards in the uk were group ones. The main thing for me was the booklet, it looked cheap and lazy, for how big album was I was very disappointed in that and I had spend like £100 on those albums and that also builds into this blind faith I and many army's have or had with bighit. 

Overall, during the Map of the soul comeback, because of everything bighit did, I wished it would end soon. I wanted the promotion of the comeback to end. 

I think promoting bts memberships, how they handled the tours during the pandemic especially for international fans was awful. As I write this now, international fans still haven't been given their money back. 

TXT had a comeback soon after, which felt rushed, all songs sounded the same, except one which had really bad auto tuning. The music video looked like a college Halloween project. I saw a few times were they copied BTS concepts and their trying to do the same hyyh world thing but it just looks awful. 

I think then I accepted that they were not it. I give it a few more years, they will probably still milk the group because army's now stan them but we will probably only see them at bighit family concerts. Or they might carry on spending money on them just to save face so that its not so obvious that the only successful group they have is BTS. 

Also, seventeen aswell now being uploaded their stuff onto bighit labels. Seventeen again, i liked them at the beginning, they were growing, coming up around the same time as BTS. The thing with seventeen they were left behind. The last time I had heard of them was when they had plagiarised some song. 

They are talented people but they are very forgettable, they have a few good songs but they just don't have that it factor and I don't see them being bigger than what they are. Like bighit bang pd was like seventeen are where BTS were in 2017/2018 which is belittling BTS because 2017 they were winning the billboard awards, breaking records around the world and doing things seventeen couldn't even dream off. 

Bighit is going to milk seventeen and gfriend and their fandoms dry and in two/ three years when they have debuted their own girl and boy groups they will be forgotten in a dungeon or disbanded. Maybe if their lucky we will see them at the big hit family concert.

I think for me I thought the iland reality show would be great, I liked produce 101 and treasure box but the talent was again non-existent, very mediocre, I felt as though some of the contestants had awful personalities. 

I had assumed once this iland show started they wud be so big everyone wud forget abt txt but they are worse than those in txt. 

When they debut they will have a big following, i tried the show and i think i lost in the little faith I had in bighit from it. Where are they finding these people? Like I am now convinced maybe the talented stars, they see through bighit's bs and their avoiding them.

I think for me, this is again another BTS comeback. And every single time I wake up and check social media for updates on BTS it is all about merch. 

Let me start with the BTS membership, before it used to be on fancafe, which was in korean. Last year it was on weverse and I had always wanted to get a bts membership so I bought it, £30 and shipping. I paid about £52 in total. The online membership you can access it instantly but the membership kit came to me after 5 months of waiting. 

The booklet was all in korean even though it was promoted as global and they had english, japanese and korean translations on weverse but not in the booklet. There was a photocards, a notepad, pen, my membership card and stuff i have never used. 

When I opened it, I was very disappointed because for £52, what I got it doesn't weigh up. Also, on weverse, to watch the videos on pc, they lag. It took me 25 minutes to watch a 4 minute video on weverse. The notifications for bts membership stuff doesn't work so I would see the stuff on social media first. 

£52, it wasn't worth it, I said I would never buy the membership again. 

Also, weverse sucks. On vlive, I had bought Bon voyage 1,2 and 3. The videos worked and I was happy. Bon voyage 4 came out on weverse. 

I had bought Burn the stage....it lagged but I could watch it with a little struggle on weverse.

Bon voyage 4, no chance, the videos lagged sooo much on pc or it didn't play. One video episode 2 or 3 didn't even work for a day and then when it did work they were no eng subtitles for another day. 

Even though I had paid for the Bon voyage, I had to watch it from elsewhere. 

I even emailed bighit and I got a generic email back, they didn't care one bit. So, I decided I wouldn't pay for any of their series again because why should I give bighit my money and I can't even watch it. 

They are now promoting in the soop, I am not buying that. I will watch it elsewhere because why should I pay for something and I can't even see it. It is during the comeback season and they are promoting the gifts, basically you pay for the in the soop which is £35, Bon voyage was the same content but was £19. Koreans watch it for free on their tv.

And you can get photocards if you buy the series for free as a gift. Kicker is shipping is £23. I got the gift for the photocards for burn the stage and the shipping was £7.99. 

So imagine, paying £58 to watch a show you cannot even see and for 7 plastic photocards that will probably arrive in 5 months. 

Same thing with BTS ch+ that used to be on vlive, they moved it too weverse. On vlive it used to be £20 a year, on weverse it is £30 for 6 months, so £60 for a year and the only thing you get is run behind and run behind pictures, no chat, no special pictures, no possibility of a live. You are getting less but paying twice as much, no paying three times as much. Wow, bighit are greedy.

But nothing shocked me as much as when I woke up and they had put the new bts membership up. When I got it, it was £52. But now they are three options. You can just get the online membership which is £22 or you can get a merch membership which is £150. That's more than my BTS concert ticket. 

And the kicker is that it doesn't even include shipping. They say that you get 4 lots of merch in the year thats why it's so expensive but on top of the £150 you also have to pay for the shipping. My shipping is £23 x 4 = £92 + 150 = £242. Do we know what the merch is nope, The first merch is a blanket and something else which looks pretty basic. Probably cost them £2/3 to make. 

Even if the online membership was £22 and the kit is £13. Last year for the online + kit it was £30 plus delivery. I paid £52 last year this year it is maybe 5/6 pounds more expensive. So, with bighit it is never cheaper, it just how to give them the same thing or less for more.

Also, no one knows whats going to be in the kit, will the booklet be translated? Probably not. 

Then there's more merch with tinytan. They released a music video for it and a few days after now their advertising. For me with BT21, it was a slow process, BTS were involved in the making, there were funny videos. But with Tinytan it's so detached from BTS but they look like tiny BTS so buy buy buy. It's such a money grab. 

Just like again the learn korean with BTS bs. They uploaded videos for free abt learn korean with BTS. I am learning Korean elsewhere but those videos were the most useless things ever. 

Now, during BTS comeback season they are announcing a learn korean with BTS book with a talking pen of BTS and hidden BTS voices in the book in connection with some universities around the world. 

Another money grab. For 6 years, bighit never subbed any bts videos on their bangtantv channel. It was until it hit the korean news and people trended stuff that they finally started putting english subtitles or it was probably when they thought hey we can make money of this. 

I am not even going to talk about them doing a theatre screening during a pandemic or alot of other stuff. 

I should be exicted and happy about BTS having a comeback and BTS releasing new music but im miserable because of all these corporate meetings that belittle all their hard work and how their promoting all these merch more than their music. 

I strongly dislike bighit and how greedy the company has become or maybe they have always been like this. Bighit will be BTS's downfall. 

I love BTS with my whole being but I can't wake up every morning to see more merch or for something else to be mad and upset about. Where is the joy, where is the happiness and excitement. I dont want to cry or to wish the comeback would be over because of bighit. 

Bighit has taken away my joy, my happiness, my safety, my laughter because of their greed.

I know greedy companies carry on making millions everyday and I am 1 person but I am going to distance myself from BTS. 

I just hope their legacy and everything they have worked so hard for won't be ruined by such a greedy company.

I am not excited for the dynamite comeback, I have been just miserable and I shouldn't be feeling like this. 

I miss the wings comeback and how exciting that comeback was. I just wanted to let out how I felt. I will always be a fan of BTS and their music but being a fan of someone shouldn't affect my mental health and wellbeing.

Bighit had turned something that gave me joy and laughter into misery. And everything changes and not everything stays the same. And maybe taking a step back and not being so updated might be what is best for me so that I can keep those good memories.

Ahh, i never thought I would be doing this, especially not because of a greedy useless company. But I have too step back, step away from BTS.

I just wanted to write this for myself and to let out how I felt at this time. I will always support BTS but now it will be from afar. I need to not be so emotional attached to them.

Hopefully, no one finds this, it is just me ranting about the things that have bothered me but for some reason I feel better that I have let it all out. 

Currently just existing- No purpose

I remember when I started 2020 I had all these plans and all the things that I wanted to achieve this year. 3 months down the line and I haven’t achieved anything.

I don’t even have the energy to do the fun hobbies that I like, like learning Korean and I also wanted to learn Thai but in three months I have done the absolute minimum.

I realised on Sunday what it was, when I was going to work I was thinking of all the things I wanted to do and achieve when I went to work. As on a Sunday I only do 3 hours but as I walked home that day I felt so frustrated and drained that I ended up doing nothing.

Usually eating junk food helps me get over it but now I feel like it’s so much that junk food doesn’t help anymore.

And I am too tired to do anything that I go to work, come home and watch or read up about the coronavirus and carry on.

I don’t want to stay here in this dead end position. I am grateful for the opportunity but I need to get out. I don’t know how but unless I use the extra time I have after work and during the weekends then I will just remain where I am right now.

I just want to have a passion again. To be nervous and excited about something.

To have a purpose again.

Let me find the purpose and get back to you.

Deciding to look for another job because of toxic work environment

I have been at my job for 8 months now, it is officially the longest I have been at one place now. My previous record was 7 months.

But yesterday I decided that I was done with were I am working now. Before now I always thought maybe I could do a few years there but yesterday it was so toxic that I decided for my mental health that I was done. People being rude, making me feel as though I am less. Just draining me mentally and I am tired of being sad because of them or feeling down or less or as if I am the problem because I am nice.

I think when I realised that I was being made fun of, people were rude to me and because I am not a argumentative or rude person myself and I don't want to change who I am to fit them.

Today cemented my beliefs and my stance to leave. I want to stay there for one year. I have four months left until I reach my one year mark.

I need to start to make preparations to leave.

I need to update my CV and just get back into the groove of applying for jobs again. I also want to apply to graduate schemes, just anything to get away from there.

Work mental strain and giving graduate schemes a go

I have been at my job for roughly 6 months now and until the end of July, things were alright and then one person who I worked with, she trained me and we sat opposite each other. She left and never came back and now a lot of the stuff she did has been  put onto me.

The thing is she was my shield. I did my accounting side and she dealt with the crazy family that run the business. If I haven't mentioned I work for a family business and it is pretty crazy.

I have cried multiple times, I have felt like I am stupid, when they make mistakes it's my fault. When in reality it is not. I am mentally drained. I am tired of saying sorry for things that are not my fault or saying thank you for some one doing what they were meant to do.

I am tired. Drained.

Sometimes, I think about the future, and it's crazy because I am such a loyal person that if I found a decent job I would stay there for years, decades even and last week Thursday I was walking to work and I was just imagining staying there for years, starting a family, weddings, all of that and then when I left my blood was boiling, I was upset with my self. I had been made too feel so small and useless and I know my worth and I know that it is not my fault.

When the girl left, she told me its not you it's them and to breathe.

It felt good to let out how I feel, it's sad because I don't think I can really talk to anyone about how I feel. And I accepted today that this place is negatively affecting my mental state. I am more on edge, not much can make me snap or want to cry and that isn't healthy. That isn't what work should be like and even though it has it's pro's and they are some people there that I absolutely love and would love to carry on working with.

The family is too crazy for me and the negative affects it is been having on me is not worth the money. I have learnt my lesson before where I just left a place and was unemployed for 2 years so this time I will not just quit but I am going to apply for Graduate scheme in 2020. They open up in September and I was ready but haven't been putting that much time into it, when I get home I am mentally drained and tired. This week I even slept at 21:45.

But I need to apply this one last time and if it doesn't work then I will look for another job in a bigger company in the new year.

One year is enough at this place.

April thoughts

I just thought I would come on and waffle about what has been going on in my life since the last post and how my mindset has changed.

So, I created a blog, another one, I think this is the longest blog I have had. But I wanted to create a fitness blog and I had these grand ideas of how I would make money but honestly I can't be asked. It doesn't really interest me like at all and I tried, I spent about £8 or £15 on a domain and other stuff and now I'm done.

It's just chore and I really have no energy for it. I feel as though I am wasting my time I guess.

It's not for me.

But atleast I tried it and it did what it was meant to do.

Now accounting, there was this moment where we had new cleaners where I worked and I had walked past one of them to go to my desk and I thought to myself what is the difference between me and them and I realised that I was lucky 1 and two my education.

For that moment I wanted to carry on with my education, I wanted to learn for fun not to learn for a job. Even the site. I was doing it for money not because I wanted to do it and that was the issue.

So, now I want to carry on learn and grow. I want to learn more about business, about people in the work force and how they work and learning more languages.

I feel somewhat at ease now, i have finally made my decision.

I'm 26, employed and thinking about being self-employed

Yayyy, I am a year older. I am now 26 years old. Where does the time go by.

I guess the biggest change from when I turned 25 to now is that I now have a job. I went through a lot in during the last 12 months. I had signed on to job seekers, so I was attending that once a week and then that turned into once every two weeks.

I had interviews almost once a month. They all turned out to be rejections after rejections. I went on holiday to snowdonia which was absolutly beautiful. Then I started this mentoring circle which resulted in me making 3 new friends which I am still friends with today. I then did my first work experience at a rail company for three days.

That was the first time in more than a year when I had to wake up early and be active all day. Afterwards, I had an 8 week work experience at the job centre, I got to meet everyone, work with my friends and help people. It was fun and I enjoyed it alot.

Afterwards, I went to an interview at a big travel agency and I actually got the place. I had assumed that they would be 2 places, we really weren't told much but there was only one place and I ended up getting it.

That was the first interview after many rejections where I had gotten the job. What I liked about the place was that, I remember one time we drove past it and I remember I was quite young, maybe 16/17 around then and it's a big office building and you can tell it's an office building and can see the desks and chairs and computers from outside and I remember clearly at that time thinking to myself that I would love to work there. Or it would be amazing to have a job there and without knowing or trying I ended up there. Even though it was work experience.

I still had the card that gave me access, I had the desk that was mine.

It was a big company, a company that is on the stock exchange, that makes millions or even billions of profit.

I was surrounded by a lot of white people. There was a canteen, a costa, a cash machine, a sandwich area. A free vending machine that gave free water, hot chocolate, tea. At the press of a button. I remembered at the job centre in the lunch room there being a vending machine and my friend paying like 30p for hot chocolate and how the other vending machine wouldn't even give her a packet of crisps because it didn't work.

They would give you a discount on holidays with the travel company and there were people who got free holidays on the new destinations launched.

The people I worked with, honestly, they were alright. I had to work hard to be more social and it honestly was mentally straining but the work I was doing was so dull and boring that I found time went somewhat quicker if I conversed with the people I sat with.

There was one day though, they had this thing were once a month someone would come and speak. That day we had 3 white guys. I think the CEO, marketing manager and another white guy in a powerful position. And they stood there and talked for about an hour and as I sat there and listened to them talk about things that really didn't affect me. I realised that on every single team the manager was a white guy. So, I went on the website and looked at the members of the board and they were ten people on it. 8 white guys and 2 white women.

It was a realisation that I knew but that made it clearer what country lived in.

These jobs where not that great, alot of them anyone could learn, because when there is a big company sometimes you need people to do basic repetetive things over and over again.

But I saw a lot more pregnant women there than in normal which showed that felt comfortable. You had some sort of a job security and I will give it to the company they tried their best to make it a happy environment.

So, then moving on to where I am working at now. I have a full time job, I get paid a decent wage. The place is a walking distance from my house. And I am doing a job that relates to my degree.

It is something that I probably wouldn't have imagined getting and here it was. As an assistant account/ sales. I work for a family business.

The thing is before I got the job I had given up applying, I was done. I had been unemployed for 2 years and I had been claiming job seekers for a year and I was tired. So, I decided that I was going to become self-employed. Then I got offered this job and honest to God I didn't believe it, it wasn't until I got my first pay slip that I started to believe it.

That leaves me to where I am now. I could take my AAT exams and then try to do the graduate schemes in september. I will have a related job, I will have an extra qualification and more. I might have a better chance of getting a job.

But do I want to, I am 26 now, I started doing accounting when I was 16 in college. I remember leaving the exam for accounting over it, I took multiple retakes and I still left with an E. My first and only E. Ever, I somehow ended up going to university to do that same course and I left with a 2:2.

And now I somehow believe that I can get into a graduate scheme where I will be going against people who have gone to better universities, who have better grades and who are white and male.

But that doesn't really matter what matters is would that make me happy, if by some reason I got a job at a big accounting firm. I got my dream job would I be happy?

Initially yes, I believe I would be happy because that would make my family happy. I would be happy because I will be working at a big firm. But I will be miserable, I will be in shackles again.

Right now I am free, sort-off. I have the freedom to decide  what I want to do with myself and I have been thinking about this for the past few weeks. Going back and forth and I want to be self-employed. I want to start my own business. I want to be my own boss and to do my own things.

This job acts as a safety net whilst I start things up. I know it will take time to build up so that it is profitable but I am smart and I have great ideas and I believe that I will be happier if I was too work for my self.

Wow, actually typing it out and making it into reality feels weird. It feels as though I can breathe again. I believe these 10 years have been a long lesson, I have picked up many skills that have lead me to this point and now I just need to leap with confidence into this journey.

This is my choice. The next ten years will be focused on growing my businesses. I would hope that in a few years they will be profitable enough that I will be able to live off of them.

I know I will have many challenges ahead but this is my only choice. I feel like to be successful I had to reach this point, to come to this understand and here I am.

I am ready to take on this new year, take on a 26 year old me who will be a CEO. A strong smart talented business woman.

Finally got a job, now what?

Ahhh, so after 2 years of applications, rejections and the job centre. I have finally gotten a job and it was honestly by luck. I still can't believe, it wasn't really the job I applied for I am realising but it is a job and I am grateful for it.

Now what do I do?

For the last two years my goal, the reason for me being down was due to me being unemployed but now that I have a job I have two paths, 1 is to try for one more year to see if I can get into a grad scheme and I gave myself this weekend to think about it all. And I am going to try.

If all fails then thats just another year. Of living gone down the drain.

I need to renew my AAT, actually start doing the exams. Look at the companies I want to apply to and set up alerts if it's possible. Prepare for the application process and the questions. I mess up on those but I need to be ready.

I need to lose at least 20 pounds because looks to matter in the dog on business world.

Also, I want to carry on learning French, it's good to be learning Korean but I think knowing French will also help me to have an upper leg.

Wow, I cannot believe I am actually going to do this.

I am actually going to carry on in the hopes of one day becoming an accountant. If I don't succeed this year then I will know it wasn't meant to be and I will try my luck at being self-employed.

This job has made me a little bit more employable and I am going to work twice as hard so that I can be a success at it.

Even though this was partly luck, I do believe that I deserve this job because my goodness I worked hard, I had a positive outlook on working for free. I worked for free on two internships. I did it all without complaining once and I think this job was a way of my hard work being paid of.

So, I am going to carry on working hard. Wish me luck.

Deciding to become self-employed after 2 years of getting rejections

Today I have made the decision to put my efforts into starting my own business and becoming self-employed. I have been applying for jobs for 2 years and I am still unemployed. I have done 2 internships in the last 6 months and still nothing. I am currently doing free work experience at a big travel company and I look at some of the white people who have jobs but they can't even do them properly and I wonder to myself how did they get this job.

Then there is me who did everything right, went all the way to university and graduated in the hopes to get a job. Worked for free and still nothing. The only time someone asks me to come for an interview is when they barely look at the CV and then when I go to the interview I end up getting rejected. End up feeling that I am less than human. And I have done this for 2 years and you know what I am tired of letting nobodies dictate how I feel about myself. They don't want to hire me fine, who needs them I will just work for myself and make a living.

I am a smart black woman with drive and ambition.

I already have a few ideas running through my head and now I have the will to do it. I don't have a backup. It's this or nothing. They are crackheads, alcoholics, rappers and strippers not caring about getting a job. I guess I am going to join them. I know it will be hard but at least if I put effort into it. They will some progress instead of me applying to jobs for another year and still being unemployed and having absolutely nothing to show for it.

I'm going to risk it. For the first time in my life I am going to take this chance. Wish me luck!

Learning Korean: Bought some books from TTIK

I have been trying to teach myself Korean for a little while now and even though the free stuff online has helped me to learn the basics. I didn't have that much motivation because I learn best from reading a book and not online.

So since it's 2019 I decided I want to really put myself out there and take learning Korean seriously. I went to TalktomeinKorean website, I have used their site before, it is one of my sources for learning Korean but I had never bought anything before so I went to their store and I saw the books they had. They had a beginners pack which had a book on verbs 1 & 2 and other beginner books which interested me a lot. So, I decided to buy that as well as the level 1 books. When I signed in there was a test and I was still at level 1.

I decided to do their special delivery because I wanted my order to come quickly and I prefer my order to be tracked since its coming from Korea.

It was actually really quick and the tracking was very good. I order it on Sunday and it arrived on Wednesday. So, that was quite good. Everything was there and they were new books.

The easy Korean Reading book excited me because I feel as though if I can actually read Korean sentences and understand it, that will be great. That's the goal to understand and say Korean sentences.

The real life conversations book looks good too, they have audio on their website so that should help me to be able to say the basic stuff and that will also help me when I am watching kdrama's because then I will be able to understand the common phrases.

I really liked the my first 500 words book because I kinda was doing something like that because it's good to learn more words as you go along and it seems like something you can do for like 30 mins a day and the book's really pretty. I love pink <33

The verbs books, I am really excited about that because I have started learning verbs but I feel as though those books will have a clearer explanations and more structure. I won't just be learning this and that like before and it's really pretty.

Those were the books in the beginners pack. I also got the TTIK Level 1, I think most people just buy that but I wanted to do more. I probably know maybe like 10% of whats in there but the book looks really user friendly and colorful and they also have sections where they have pictures of popular places in Korea and a little paragraph about Korea. I thought that was a nice extra touch to the books.

They have a workbook for the level 1 and I am going to write on it with a pencil, I don't really care about reselling them on ebay or anything. I haven't had a workbook since school so I am quite excited about learning with the books and that is one of my goals this is to reach the end of the year and to be able to understand Korean more confidently.

Let's do this, let's learn Korean!!!!!

Finally went to an interview & got a good response

Today is a good day and I can say that I am happy. I woke up and I got a call that after my interview last week Friday they wanted me to come in and do the work experience at the big travel agency.

YAYYYYYYYY!

Literally, after like so many interviews and being rejected so many times to actually go in and have an interview and for them to like me, it feels good and it shows me that I am slowly becoming less unemployable. 

Even though it is for work experience that will be for 8 weeks. It is a big company and if I am lucky they might ask me to stay for a permanent position but if they don't I will have a big company as a reference and I am actually excited about the work they will be doing as it will be something that I don't usually get to see on a normal day. 

Also, there was something with her handshake, when we met the handshake touched the tips of my hand, but when I was leaving she gave me a full handshake. But if you have been rejected so many times before I was convinced I hadn't gotten it, but apparently they really REALLY liked me. Ahh, let me just revel in this moment and on that part. They really REALLYYYYY liked me. Me: crying of joy as I type. 

Hopefully, I get along with the people there but I will have my best smile and try my hardest to be friendly with everyone. I have learnt alot of my previous work experiences that were not so great so here's to hoping that this one will be a great one. 

I am excited to be starting, it was like one door closed and another opened. 

All I know is that I am going to work hard and take this opportunity with both hands and do my absolute best. I am ready!!!!

I am also going to start revising for an AAT qualification. 2019, I am not going to waste the year like last year. 

2019: What I want to achieve

It's already 12 of January, time really flies. I don't want it to be 2020 and I am in the same place, unemployed and crying about it.

Career plan -

My plan for 2019 is too get a job, this can be anything. I just need to stop claiming.

I also want to complete my AAT qualifications this year.

This will all help me to become more likely to get into an accounting graduate scheme. I told myself that this will be the last year I will be applying for graduate schemes, if I fail this year then I will give up for good and accept that that is not the path for me.

Right now, I have an interview with a supermarket for a store assistant type of job. I know it's below wanting to become an accountant but I feel as though that experience will benefit me. My only issues is, will I be fit enough to do that type of job. or will I even get that type of job.

Also, I had an interview on friday for a work experience opportunity at a massive travel company. It will be for 8 weeks and after that I might not even get a job. In my heart, after going there I wasn't really interested, it seems like a place that wouldn't be a fit for me, they all seemed fake. But if I get it, I will go and see, it will look good on my CV and you never know.

But if I don't go I will go to the supermarket one, just so that I know if I would have gotten it or not. I can't deal with regrets in my life.

I will also buy some new AAT books, so that I have a fresh new start. I also want to see about Sage, I might call them to see what they say.

---

Web development, I had a website and I created fansites for people, I was doing it for free, but I just got bored of it because I could create wordpress themes and there was no challenge even though I knew I still had a lot to learn so I opted to cancel everything and just stop that.

The goal of this year is to create a mobile blogger website and also a mobile app and get it live. I need to start working on that.

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Korean, I feel as though I have gone backwards, I am realising that learning a new language is like watering a plant if you stop it will die. I need to be more consistent with this.

I want to buy a korean book, maybe having something in person instead of on a computer will help me.

----

I want to create a weight-loss blog. I am still thinking about it. I want it to document my experience but also to write little dribbles of life losing weight and stuff. I have been thinking about it and I feel as though this could also be something where I could end up with a career for. So, it's all still a thought process, will see.

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Stock trade, that is also something that I have thought about and this year I want to try it out and see if it something for me or not.

So, I will get some books first and then take it from there.

-----

A goal of 2019 is to be healthy and happy and give it my all. Don't stress unnecessarily.

2019 - Let's get it

Happy New Year, 2019 is the year, where good things will happen, I am putting it out there.


I have officially finished my work experience now well yesterday and I feel weird about it because I went into Christmas thinking I had atleast a few weeks to come back to, that I had something to look forward too and then when we went there was nothing to do and it was over.

I didn't have time to mentally prepare to the fact that it was over and now it's done. No more work experience, no more waking up in the morning and catching a bus. No more.

But I have to look at it as one door has closed, and now I am in a limbo state waiting for another door to open.

So, what do I want to do with my life now?

I am going to carry on applying for jobs, right now I just want anything so that I am not claiming anymore. I just need to do something even if it's retail or a dead-end job. I just need something. So, that is the first goal, to get a job.

Becoming a little bit less unemployable

Hello World, or future me who will read this. Hopefully, when I have a job.

Basically, I am still unemployed but a few things have changed in my life, the first being I am actually getting work experience, so I am waking up before 9am lol and doing monday to Friday every week. The first week was hard but now the week is going faster.

Today something special happened and I guess I wanted to talk about it because it's a positive and good thing. I was asked to speak in front of all the people at where I work and there were about 40/50 members of staff and I had to talk in front of them for 5 minutes.

I was asked yesterday and I agreed and when I did it today, it just flew by, I said everything confidently, or from the feedback that they gave me. The thing about public speaking is that I have done it before with uni and school so I had to force myself to not be nervous and just to get on with it and I guess it's paying off because after I finished it a lot of people said how well I did and even now I opened my email and there was a lovely email about how I preformed and I just want to cry because I haven't felt this proud of myself in a long time. I haven't felt this useful and smart and that I had achieved or done something worth will in a long time and it's nice.

Staying at home is great but those little accomplishments and achieving something in the workplace, the praise and compliments. It feels even better and I want that.

What is the next plan?
This changes all the time but for me right now, I want to get a job. I want to apply for jobs, to take it more seriously and to put myself out there more often.

Diaries of an Unemployed: Looks after in getting a job, Finance world Realisation

So, I watched a video and in it there was a homeless man sitting in Dunkin Donuts and the employee's poured water on him and told him to get out and not sleep there. And I burst out crying, even now as I write this, I am getting all emotional. It was just horrible and it made me think how awful some human beings are and how we try to fit into their normal, into their molds of what is acceptable, suppressing who we really are just so that we can fit in.

Let me back track, around 4 weeks ago, I went to the job seekers to sign on and there was this mentoring thing for black and asian people because we are disadvantaged, I wasn't too keen on going but can you really say no to job seeker's.

So, I went to the group session the next day where they told you more about it, from that it seemed alright and it was only for 3 weeks so I decided might as well go and see.

The first week, it went well, there was employee's from one big bank and another big company. I remember feeling emotional again but trying to hold it in because this was a woman who was my age working at a big bank in London whilst I was claiming benefits. It was just brilliant.

The second week, it was CV checking time, to be fair I liked this week and I do believe that she checked my CV very well and helped me out.

The third week, yesterday we went to the bank and there were about 7/8 people who worked at the bank, some doing their graduate scheme, some who had had 10/20 years of financial experience. The purpose of that day was to go through CV's again and to do a mock interview practice.

So, I ended up with an asian guy and he interviewed me and this other asian girl (we were actually quite close during those three weeks) And sigh...

You know when you feel like you have been judged already. All I can say is if I were to go to have an interview with him, I wouldnt get the job. I was asked my age, maybe I look 30/40 years old. I know my weight, i don't wear make up, I have my natural hair even though it's put in a up-do.

I'm getting side tracked. The question so what have you been doing all year came out? It was just the vibe, I got no feedback, the looks. I just felt like what is wrong with me... (i started crying just now) I think that's why I cried before because I was thinking if I want to get into the graduate scheme or accounting I will need to lose 50/60 pounds, wears wigs, put on make-up. I will need to stop being so ugly. How does one become unugly?

Do you know the advice he gave, go on google, google the jobs, he even googled accounting jobs. Like I didn't do that for a straight year. Flood your CV everywhere. was what he said, oh jeez why didn't I think of that.

I think from the second week, I actually started to really consider giving accounting another shot, giving graduate schemes another go and I even revised once. The first time I tried revising accounting, it just felt so draining, I didn't enjoy doing it at all. I have learnt this stuff twice already and look where I am. But speaking to people who are like if I can do it, you can too. You start believing that maybe I can do it too.

But now I am realising that that is not a world I want to be in. I think I realised it at the internship I did at a finance department at a big company. I was miserable. So miserable and I didn't like those types of people. That asian guy was those types of people. He wasn't that great, the racist woman from the charity wasn't that smart or great but they're making me feel as if, I am nothing. Who are they?

I am a smart person, I am intelligent, I am beautiful and you know who cares if I haven't been in employment for a year, because you know what I have been busting my butt, applying to a million jobs, completing application forms after application forms, practicing for online tests. Going to interviews and getting rejected time and time again. And picking myself up, time and time again. Because I am strong.

I am not going to lie, a part of me would have loved to be an accountant, maybe that's why if someone ignites that little flame, I go for it. I didn't study that subject for 5 years for nothing. I was good at it just not consistently good at it.

But even though it is hard to accept, I am accepting that accounting isn't for me and that's a hard pill to swallow. But I am accepting it. I wouldn't be happy and it would be a waste of my time and money to carry on with something that isn't anything. Sometimes the smartest thing is know when to quit.

And I tried, I really did try. I graduated in 2016 and now it's 2018. Two years, full circle of emotional hardship. I didn't want any regrets that's why I pushed my self time and time again but you know what it wasn't meant to be and today I am accepting that wholeheartedly.

So what are the plans for the future?

Web development, I need to get a portfolio going, learn more, designs UI, just put more effort into that.

I also want to start making wigs,lol. That is the good thing about the whole thing is the realisation that there are plenty of woman who do like wearing wigs, I have made a wig for myself for graduation so I do know how to make a wig. I plan on making one and selling it on ebay first to see if I can actually make a profit. I also have some other stuff I want to sell. I will see. If no one will employ me, I will have to fend for myself and start my own business from the ground up. And that's a better investment of my money than wasting it on more education.

I still want to learn korean, I have been quite lazy these days lol. I will become fluent in that language, that's a promise.

You know what I just let out a sigh of relief, its like I can finally breathe again now that Accounting is out of the equation.

So I got another job rejection!!

As I said in my previous post, I knew even before going to the interview that I wouldn't get it, I am so unemployable and I am so used rejection by now. It still hurts but I can only do my best.

So, this is the rejection email I got, they told me that I would hear back from them on Wednesday and I ended up getting an email on Friday Afternoon. By then I knew anyways that it was a dead end.

However, the day for me was a positive day. I went, I was 15 minutes early and I sat down and there were two other women there, a woman maybe in her late 30s/early 40s, she was white, dressed in jeans and flowery top. (Yes, for an interview) and another woman was there, the woman in jeans went up for her interview and then me and the other woman were there and we started talking.

After she got comfortable she whispered to me that the woman in jeans already knew the people in the office and someone had come down the stairs and had told her "you got this job already, this is no competition." Yes, that happened, so when I finally went in I was relaxed as a lamb because they already knew who they wanted.

There were 3 guys interviewing and I was so relaxed and kinda prepared, I answered the questions with confidence and gave examples and I have never had such a good feeling from an interview.

So, even though I didn't get it because people hire who they know already, I nailed that interview.

The down side is I didn't really apply for anything for a week because I was waiting for their answer, I am hoping for volunteering opportunities but they want references as well and I am just like really.

So, my confidence is a bit low at the moment and I would rather just put myself out there again but I have too carry on applying, hoping that someone out there in the world will give me a chance. I did complete a website today so I am not completely useless to this world.

At least this made me laugh. 

Long term Unemployment: I hate job interviews & I have one tomorrow

I can say now I have been in a long-term unemployment state and  I have cried a lot, I have been too a handful of interviews my last being with a racist or ageist as I am realizing now. It never occurred to me that 25 is too old to be applying for certain jobs.

So, I have an interview tomorrow and I am going to go because might as well. No, seriously, it is a good job at a big company that employee's a lot of people but I feel as though I am so unemployable right now, I have been through so much rejection that I have been trying to manage as best as I can with the situation that is my life but with a new interview I know I will go and they will see a long term unemployed fat black 25 year old and their basically judging you and I know I won't get it. I don't want to get my hopes again and think yesss this will be the one because my bubble has burst and life doesn't work like that.

I am just tired and I just want to get it over and done with. I will try my best, but I just know results and I know how this affect me in the end. I am realising now why I haven't cried in a few months it's because I haven't been to an interview in a few months.

The good thing is, it has made me more determined to carry on working on my web development. I will put in more effort to learn more and to grow more. They will not determine my self-worth.

Another unemployment post

I am still unemployed, hooray but I just wanted to come on here and vent how I am feeling that now. I feel like trash, I feel useless and low. And it's hard, I am 25 years old now and I know I am smart but when you get knocked back again and again and again it starts to build on you. It starts to affect you.

I'm at the point where I am even applying for retail jobs, stock taking jobs, just job a rejection email from NEXT for a stock taker job, yay.

I am starting to think, I need to do things myself, depend on myself. I am decent at web design, I have a little website, not this where I have started making websites, where I am still learning but I even made my first money. It was like £2.50 but I made something.

I get excited when I create something and I am getting better and it makes me feel as though I am not useless. So now I am at the point where I am going to put all my eggs in that basket. I will still apply for jobs but this is my main focus. I know I will need to start building a portfolio and then when improve more then I can start showcasing that and I can either get a job in that filed or freelance.

I also want to look into 3d designs. I have downloaded the software but I havent used it yet.

You know I might be unemployed for another year but if I spend it just applying to job and not doing anything else I know that will be the biggest regret of my life because in august, literally a year ago, i decided I want to apply to graduate schemes since I graduate from University with an accounting degree and from September to December all I did was apply to graduate schemes and those take a lot of time, doing the application forms, the questions and the research. Then the numerical and verbal reasoning tests. And during all of that, I didn't get one interview. I just got rejection, after rejection until I started to apply to regular firms, finance/ accounting jobs in general not graduate schemes and I got a few interviews. So from January until May. I think went to 5 interviews, one was a volunteering thing and I got rejected from all of them.

And it was hard and the interviews where the biggest confidence knocks in my life. Now, it’s been a year. Most of my focus was on applying for jobs. So, in a sense I wasted a year of my life and I didn’t get anything out of it except tears and a low self-worth.

But I feel like I am someone who was programmed to do the right thing, even if it doesn’t make me happy. I went to college, went to uni. I would have stuck around a job I didn’t like just to be a normal citizen. Basically, and even now I think from time to time when will this end and it doesn’t end. When will I have a career, when will someone give me a chance. I get those thoughts but even though it’s hard I am starting accept that accounting is not for me. I have been rejected.

I have two choices in life

Cry and carry on applying, waste another year of my life.

Or 2. Take things into my own hands, create my own opportunities and I will probably have to worker than I have ever worked in my whole entire life. But I have no choice, that is what I will have to do.

Job interview experiences, rejections and things I have learn't

So far in 2018 I have had 5 interviews, 4 of them for paid jobs and 1 (which was today) for a volunteering position since I have been out of work of 1 year now. All these job interviews I have learn't a lot and I have been interviewed by different people and every time after an interview I always feel the saddest because as I am typing this I am still unemployed.

These are the few things I have learn't to do and to be aware of.

1. The handshake, there should be a handshake at the beginning of the interview and at the end of the interview. It is important to have a firm handshake, make eye contact with the person and to connect the corners of your thumbs. But also take note of how the interviewer does the hand shake, from the 5 interviews I have noticed the bigger more professional companies and interviewers the handshake was firm, all of the hand and at the beginning and end of the interview. I had two interviews one at a really small place, they literally touch the tips of my fingers and another (the charity) first hand shake was quick and there was no second hand shake at the end of the interview even though I tried to wait to see if they would offer. 

2. A professional person should not and will not mention that there are interviewing other candidates, if they mention that 9/10 times it's an subconscious sign that they don't really like you for the job and they have already crossed you of off their list. Or maybe this is their way of giving you little signs that you probably shouldn't get your hopes up. (but you never know you might get the job if the people that come after are worse than you or they don't turn up)

3. Always be 15/10 minutes early, dress professionally, wear a white plain shirt (blouse) apparently that shows you are organised.) Make eye contact, try not to move your arms as much when speaking. 

4. If there is something about you or your application that is a disadvantage try to mention it before they ask you. For example, with me I have been unemployed for a year now and to an employer they start to think why is there a gap? What happened? So, I decided that when I start talking about my work experience I will mention that I was unemployed for this long and explain the reason. For me it was because of personal health reasons. If you say that it's honest and I highly doubt that the person will ask for more questions but there was one interview that I did go into further details with and they were fine with in.

I was planning on writing about my experiences with all four interviews but I am crying right now and I can't stop. Because it hurts, I went to the volunteering place today at a charity which deals with mental wellbeing for a finance position and I could tell from the second she saw my black fat self that she had already ruiled me out because of the way I looked. The handshake was very rushed, those ones that barely touch your hand that's it and then when I sat down. I believe that 3 or 4 times she made a reference to how she had other interviews lined up or how many people she was going to interview for this position. She even said if you are working with you will see this and then she corrected herself and said if it even is you that works with us. 

Then when we were talking about the job role and I mentioned about the other admin duties I did at my old job she was like you should have applied for the admin position that was opened at the position in another department. It was very obvious she didn't want me to work with her but in my mind I remember thinking at one point in the interview to smile, to ask questions, listen. Learn from this experience. And when she had finished her questions we ended up talking about the city she lives at and housing prices. That was probably my first informal small talk at an interview but at the end there was no hand shake and that was a big sign. 

I have stopped crying now and I feel a bit better. It sucks that at a job someone isn't basing their judgement on weather you are suitable for the role because of your skills and experience but more so because of the color of your skin or the way you look. And it hurts because they are people like that and this is still the world we live in but I need to be a strong black woman. I need to learn from this experience because it will make me stronger. 

I love this quote, I applied and I went to that interview, I tried. I put myself out there and even if I get rejected 5/10 more times. I will carry on trying until I get something because I know for a fact that something great is waiting for me. 

The biggest thing for me right now is to carry on applying for jobs, right now I am in a kind-off limbo situation where I went to an interview for a really company and compared to the interview I just today, the person was so professional. The levels of both women were incomparable. The professionalism for the woman at the big company and the one at the charity was crazy. 

Sometimes you meet people like that and if I can take one thing from that experience it is that if I am ever in that position of interviewing people I will not act like that and also when I do get a job I will be faced with situations where I will be around people who will judge me because of the way I look especially in the finance industry. I'm going to have to grow tough skin than what I have now. 

Also, I have to do more when I am applying. I need to make sure that they can find no faults, that my application, answers at interviews, online and real life tests are perfect. I also want to be able to have another skill, to make money with something else even if it for my mental well-being (the irony that the place that helps mental well-being has people like that working there).

But Happy thoughts, let this push you further. You will be amazing. 

I'm 25, unemployed and Obese

Happy birthday to me, this birthday I think hit me the hardest. The days leading up to my 25th I had thoughts that I am unemployed, when I was 13/14 I didn't think this is where I would be. But here I am and one thing someone said to me was you are healthy and you have a roof over your head. And of course at the time it didn't sink in but now that it is actually my birthday and I am 25 years old. I feel as though this is the time for me to take charge of my life.

To stop running away, crying, mopping around and doing nothing because then nothing will change.

My life is starting at 25, they are people who change their lives at 40, 25, 30. So if they can do it, so can I.

I am still looking for a job, I went to interview last week and didn't get the job. But it was good experience, I am signing on again and it gives me something to get out of the house for, some type of income coming in. It pushes me to work even harder and I have gotten some good advice as well.

Also, since I was out of employment for a year, during my telephone interviews and interviews. The issue that always comes up is me being unemployed for a year so I contacted some charities where I stay and so far I have gotten two responses, one that is I will let you know at the end of the month and another that sounds like a definite but will be available at mid April. I have realised, I need to have some work experience in order to get a job in accounting.

Another thing that I want to do this year is to do AAT. I paid money before and I chickened out of doing a single exam but I feel like I have matured in that time and I am more desperate now. I want it more. Also, it will be good to have something that I have achieved again, even if it's just for myself. I miss that exam, learning environment, studying so I am going to do that for myself.

Also, I want to lose weight, I want to have a healthy BMI, I have lost some weight but I feel as though I need to put more effort and time into myself, my body, mind and soul.

So this year I want to love myself more, do things that strengthen my knowledge of accounting, get some work experience, get a job (Fingers crossed) be healthy.

I will try to write more about the things I experience, the lessons I learn on here and I think it's time I redo this theme,lol.

But, I'm 25 and I am going to look at life as positive as I can. I can do anything and I will do everything that I want to do.