Leaving 2016 Behind

This is the last of 2016 for me and I feel like a lot has happened and not much has happened to me. I think the most fundamental thing that has happened to me this year is the fact that I have graduated. I think from January to May it was all about doing coursework and attending lectures whilst also revising for exams. It was stressful and my life become consumed with education, I cried and I laughed and I did all nighters after all nighters.

But it all came to an and and I did my last exam and packed my belongings before leaving the city that treasures all my university memories. I moved back home and I was nervous about results so I practically did nothing and then I got my results and everyone I knew had the same things.

I graduated and walked down in front of everyone and got my certificate. Ahh, such a proud moment because I feel like primary school, high school, college and university (for me two universities) lead up to that moment and with the pictures taken I just felt as though I was free. I didn't feel it though, I was energetic and wanted to get a job in the field that I studied for, for 3 years but alas that didn't happen. I had rejections after rejections and it was disheartening so in September I started applying for admin jobs and I ended up getting a legal secretary job and it happened out of nowhere. Even the interview I did not think that I would get the job but it happened.

I think working for a small law firm I learnt a lot about running a business because I practically did a lot of everything in that law firm business side and it also made me really question what I wanted to do and what would make me happy in life. I found myself writing stories, editing video and building websites. I also realised that you know what I am actually pretty smart and I am not worthless and if I put my mind to anything I can do it.

Unfortunately, for reason's out of my control I have written a letter of resignation, I honestly thought that I could last at least 1 year but that didn't happen. I really hope the resignation is accepted and nothing bad happens from it and we can all move on. I am sad to be leaving because they are a few people that I work with that I adore and to be leaving makes me sad. However, it's out of my control.

2017 is in less than one hour now.

Hopes for the year:

I have concluded that I am not the working for others type of person, every job I have ever gotten I have not liked so this year:

1) I am going to learn how to web design and code. I want to be able to make as much as I made at my job by the end of the year.
2) I want a blog, a proper one where I do a lot of different things. I have contemplated if I should start this or not and I think that I will start a blog. It would have been ideal to have had it up and running on the 1st of January but I will have it up in 1 week and if I can get at least 3000 daily views by the end of the year I will be happy. Small steps.
3) I want to be happy and at peace with myself. This year will be a year where I find my self.

Happy New Year.

Doing what you love instead of what pays the bills

So my university bubble burst and I stopped believing the dreams that I was sold by the education system. I went through a faze and I am still probably going through that faze.

I believed the hype, the high paychecks and the amazing lifestyle that was sold with the careers but to come to the realisation that I wasn't the only person who was sold those dreams. The thing is this dream began to be sold by society that it would be amazing from high school, college and university. I did it all and I suffered and held my tongue and carried on suffering because at the end of it I thought I would get that good job after graduation and I would be working hard and playing hard. I cried in my final year of university so many times when I didn't think I could do it or that I had failed and I would wake up at 4 am and work or go to sleep at 8am in the morning. I suffered through an internship that I hated and so much more just to end up as a legal secretary. And thats lucky because a lot of people in my situation are unemployed.

I feel robbed, like this was a long well planned robbery. I need justice for this.

But I feel as though this realisation is waking me up to the real world and it's situation. Of I need to get a job, pay bills and suffer for the rest of my life until I retire. I don't want to do that. I will not suffer all week for what. I am not in school anymore where I know that Christmas holiday or summer is coming or even the end of a year. This is a long stretch until retirement for me to suffer and just look forward to the weekend.

Even though I feel like I am a bird that has been caged and institutionalized for so long and now I have no cage and I am looking for a cage because that is all that I know. It's scary to wonder around and try to find my own feet but each cage I end up in it doesn't feel comfortable. I have tried many jobs in my life, retail, nursery nurse, nursing, recruitment, customer services, receptionist and the sad truth is I never liked any one of them and I have always felt as though I am not myself when I am at work.

But after university I had deluded myself into thinking that having a job would provide some sort of happiness that I cannot get from anywhere else.  But it just brings me sadness.

So I have decided that I am going to do what makes me happy and even if I am not rich and I am scrapping my wallet for pennies that is what I am going to be doing.

I want to do web designing and create another blog that I have had in mind and I want to just start and finish something and not think about cost factors of it but the process and growth. I don't want to be a corporate accountant. I know in my gut that I will hate it. I was just in denial and it isn't for me. I cant or I don't want to cram down more exams and work with people I don't like. Life is too short. I would rather meet people whilst doing fun stuff who I will have a lot in common with.

At this point in time at 22:42  - 29/09/2016 I don't know what my future holds and I hope that when I read back to this point in a couple years I will be happy with the decision I have just made to be self-employed and be passionate about my dreams.

The reality of being a legal secretary and lawyers

In life you never stop learning new things.

So I have been a legal secretary for two weeks now and after the day I have had today I decided that no matter how tired that I am I will make a post about my experiences so far.

One thing I can say about Lawyers, solicitors or attorneys depending on which country you are located at.

Before I start I would like to say that I have only worked in one law firm and people are different and maybe your experience might be different to mine but of course I have looked into it and the overall view online is very much similar to mine.

Firstly, some lawyers have a lack of social skills. I have worked in two other offices and the difference in management is astonishing. The first company I worked at was a recruitment company and even though I wasn't being paid as much as I am now I felt valued and even though I knew the managers were managers there was that kindness where if I had an issue I could feel comfortable to talk to them and I felt valued. Even if it was with little things however, at this law firm I feel like I am a maid and I am beneath them. And there is nothing wrong with being a maid but that was not part of my job description.

The worst thing is the way they speak to you as if they can say or do anything to you. I am a human being as well. Just because you sat some exams and you know the law doesn't make you better than anyone else.

Okay, today there was this solicitor and he was trying to show me something that I have never done before and in short he could not explain it so I did not understand how to do it. And as I was advised before if you do not understand something, it is better to ask and look stupid than sit there and say yes I get it and then you do it wrong.

But when you are dealing with an inpatient rude solicitor who thinks you are able to figure out how an outdated software works that you have never used before in that second is beyond me. And if you do ask a question you are ignored or told to your face you are an idiot for asking questions.

I was shocked beyond belief. In all my life I have never ever been made to feel as though I was less than a human being and all this for a paycheck at the end of month. Money is not worth this abuse.
But I still have some fight in me and I will carry on going whilst I plan my escape.

P.s Tv shows lied to me, wtf they never showed this side of the legal firms.

Movie Review: Me before you

I haven't done one of this in a while but I have just finished watching the film and I was almost in tears I had to.

I read the book and I found that I really enjoyed it and it was a pleasure to read. It was packed with humor and emotions. I even recommended it to someone. I remember really enjoying the book. I am surprised that I didn't do a review of it on here.

The film was really good, even from the beginning it was really nice and them meeting was funny and I could relate somewhat because I have started a new job and she stuck it out. And in the end it changed her life.

I felt emotional watching some scenes as well. But their banter as some would say made me smile and laugh. He gave her life and told her about her potential and I liked that.

I don't know what else to say. I recommend it.

One thing that is stuck in my mind is the fact that she stayed in a job for 6 years and didn't move but in the end she was let go. I don't want to stay in a low skilled job for a long period of time to find that I am older but far behind on anything. Time is too precious.

So I got a job as a legal secretary

I can't believe it. In all of my wildest dreams and hope and careers and plans I never ever thought I would be saying that I got into a law firm. It might be small but they actually accepted me for the job. I will be getting paid and compared to a lot of other people and what I would have taken it's not bad at all. But I still can't believe it.

I start tomorrow and right now I am scared and nervous. I really want to do a good job and show them that I am a competent person. I am scared. It's like on the CV's you over sell yourself and when you actually get the job you have to show and prove. I just have to be confident. Fake it until I make it. One thing I usually fail at is if I am tired or unhappy it shows on my face. So I need have a poker face and smile. I need to interact with them and get to know them.

The thing is accounting I know a lot and I know the jargon in accounting but law. I know practically nothing but basic knowledge that everyone knows. So if I want to do a good job I will need learn at least the basics.

If I can survive the first month I know that I will get used to it and I will know my way around everything. Also, I will be able to carry on. I still can't believe it. This is definitely God's work. Something already written.

A wake up call for a recent graduate interested in a career in accounting

How true is this?

When you read about graduate unemployment rates being so high or stories of people sending out 100 or 300 application forms and still not getting anything back it is easy to push it at the back of your head and say “I am at university, college it won’t happen to me.” But when you do graduate and you start sending out those CV and cover letters and even worse you spend all day completing that dreaded and long application form only to receive a rejection email. That is if you are lucky enough to get anything back it hits you.

Rejection is deflating.

Then for me I went through a phrase where after I graduated I felt free. I had gone to school, college and university and completed it. I could do anything that I have always wanted to do (previous posts will show some of those thoughts). I tried some of those ideas, I thought extensively about other ideas and nothing ever came from that. I looked at other career options such as recruitment since on every job site they are so many jobs advertised. I applied to around 30 recruitment jobs and got 4 telephone calls that ended there.

Still, it is more than the response I got from actual jobs in accounting and finance. I even sent out speculative CV and cover letter’s to accounting firms and I received 3 emails back saying they do not have anything.

Luckily, I had my CV checked by a professional and they enlightened me on a lot of things I could improve.

 And this got me thinking about my career in accounting.  If I am being honest with myself I haven’t been 100% with this process. I know my CV needs improving and I haven’t improved it. I know that I need to fully research a company that includes fully utilising my LinkedIn account and creating a twitter account so that I can get updates about companies that I am interested in applying to.

In addition, just the application forms and the processes I have not practiced on anything. Is my grammar and punctuation good enough when completing the forms and if I ever get far enough to an assessment centre I have seen that some companies ask for you to write a report. Will I be confident enough to do that? Again, online assessments are my weak point and so far I have not done much to improve on that.

On a positive note I have just googled myself and only my linkedin picture comes up.

So this year, my gap year I am going to work on myself. To increase my knowledge on accounting practices, on the application processes and also I am going to carry on learning French. I did it for 5 years in high school and I feel as though to get in or to be successful in the business world you need to be global and having a knowledge of other languages will help with that.

I have my first AAT exam on September 1 and I have gone through the first chapters and it looked like the stuff I did in my first year of college. So, I need to revise that and pass the exams first time because this is money coming out of my pockets.

But one thing I am learning is patience. It takes some people 1 year or even more to get the job they are qualified for. I have to fight for that job. It’s me and 1000 people fighting for that one job. It is a sad reality but I need to make sure that that employer notices me and thinks “I need this person, no matter what.”

Bonus: 

Next stage of my career

So since my last exam in June I have moved back home and I went through different phases were I wanted to relax and enjoy doing nothing whilst I waited for my results and then when my results finally came I had a 2:2 and all of that and then I started applying for jobs. I went through another phase were I applied for and thought about all the other career options that during my degree I had at the back of my mind.

Because for the first time in a while I am free and I can literally do anything I want but as I deeply researched and attempted these fantasy careers I realised that 1) I don't really want to do that job and 2) I don't have that motivation to do it.

So, I am at the point now were I know that accounting is what I want to do. (and I know I have said this on a lot of my previous posts.) But I feel as though I had to be unsure and uncertain in order to go through this crisis or trial period so that I can realise that the grass is not greener on the other side.

With that said yesterday I registered with AAT and today I booked two exams for level 3. For the first time in a while I slept for a long time and when I woke up I felt weird as if I had just shifted my destiny and changed my future for the better. I will not be settling for a job. I want a career that I can be proud of. I don't regret going to university. I had an amazing time and met so many amazing people that the experience in itself was so worth it.

Now, I have to start revising again for exams and more exams because that is the only way I can be happy to live my life.

They are also 10 other graduate schemes that accept a 2;2 so I will be preparing for those and give it a chance. Plus, I want to start volunteering so that I can build my confidence in a working environment and to get myself out of the house and out of my head. Plus, a positive reference will be good as well.

I feel as though, this is the final chance. I am going to try my best to do the exams at the best of my capability and to get a volunteering place and to be able to make a positive difference and learn a lot of skills. Plus, to have the confidence and skills to apply and go through the process of graduate schemes.

I will need to have and improve on some things but I am more focused now more than ever and I know that in a year this time I will be either waiting to start my graduate scheme or I will have already started my job in accounting whilst also training for ACCA or ACA or maybe CIMA.

I am not going to give up.

Graduation ruined by family

So I finally graduated today and as the title states my graduation day was basically ruined by some of my family members. Its 1 am now and I have just finished crying. I should probably back-track.

I really enjoyed my time at uni and I enjoyed meeting different people from different walks of life. In my final year I remember finding strength from the fact the I had to do this so that my family could see me graduate on the day.

So when the results came out I found out that I was graduating I didn't want to cause them any issues so I ordered my own gown, pictures, bought tickets, booked the hotel room and everything. Literally, all they had to do was to turn up.

I had my mum, dad and little brother there. So on the day we weren't together because I had to go with other graduates and I was lucky enough to sit with my friend so it was fun and we got to look back to the times that we were struggling and how we are finally here. Graduating. I remember walking and getting my certificate. I was so happy in that moment. It was my time, I was proud of myself. Nothing else mattered at that time.

When the ceremony ended I went to meet my family and my mum hugged me however, my brother was already in a horrible mood and was ready to go home. Not even 20 seconds there, the atmosphere had changed. They were arguing. But we had to get the professional photographs taken. The ceremony finished at 12:10 and I had paid extra so that we can get a slot for 13 but they didn't want to wait. They were refreshments drinks and little treats. I couldn't even eat that without being shouted at and being told to hurry up and get the photos done. When we got to the photos and the guy was taking our family photo my brother wasn't even smiling he had sulking face as if he didn't want to be there and the guy even pointed it out and told him to smile and he wouldn't.

Then when I was getting pictures with my friends my father and brother left to go sit in the car. At the end when I wanted to voice how my feelings at how disappointed I was that they didn't let me enjoy this one day. I was told that I was acting like a "silly little girl." and basically that I should be grateful that they even showed up. What I realized is that this isn't just a celebration of my three years at university but all my work from high school, college that led up to this moment.

The thing is my brother didn't even leave high school with any GCSE's and has done nothing all year so maybe watching me achieve something was intimidating. And then when I think of it, what were we rushing for, one just played games and the other on the computer.

It made me realise something though. When I was with friends I always went back home for my birthday (were we did nothing, not even going out or eating on the dining table.) and I never fully understood the value of celebrating a birthday or a moment for someone else. Even if you don't want to be there. It isn't about you but because you care or love that person you should do it for them.

Another thing I have noticed from this experience is that my opinion is never taken into account and my feelings as well. In this family, if anything happens it is just brushed under the rug as if nothing has happened. I don't think that is healthy.

I have decided that I need to leave this toxic environment. The three years I was away were so freeing, I was around people who actually respected my opinion and were we could go out and actually have a good time.

I came into this world alone and I will leave it alone. I need to start putting myself first even with my family because when I think about it. That is what they always do with themselves. I guess it took me a little while to realise that is how it is supposed to be.

On a positive note, I appreciate my mother a lot more and regardless of everything. I still graduated and I did it. Throughout all the obstacles that were in front of me. I pushed through all of them.

Life: Feeling like a failure but realising that I have to try harder

So I got a 2:2 in my degree and even though I acted as though I was okay with it deep down I know that it has affected me. My first year went so well, I remember when I went to university all I said was that I just wanted to sit in a classroom again and learn and then in my second year all I ended up doing was not caring about my education. I was enjoying life or should I say I got too excited and I lost track of why I was there. I then just barely made it to my final year and ultimately that affected me getting a 2:1.

I have applied to a number of jobs within accounting and I have not gotten a single response. So I decided to apply to recruitment jobs and I ended up getting three calls in a day that lead up to nothing. It make me realise though that recruitment is not a career for me. I feel very unprepared and after speaking to my brother I have finally snapped out of the delusional world I have living in. Maybe I didn't want to accept it, that I am back here. Unemployed. The difference now is that I have work experience and a degree.

I need to stop thinking negatively and start thinking positively because even though I didn't get the grade that I worked for the first time in a long time I felt ignited when I was doing my research project and when I was revising for my exams. I need to get into a routine whereby I am able to wake up and be productive and not waste anytime so that I can get used to it.

I really do not have any more choices anymore. It is finally time to grow up and be an adult in this competitive world. I need to show that I can be just as competitive as the rest of them. I need to make at least one employer to notice me.

I want to become an accountant. No ifs or buts or what if or I can do something else. This is what I am going to do. I have a long journey ahead of me but this is what I want to become. I am going to start from the bottom and climb up this ladder. Starting from this moment I will not doubt myself. This is not about money but about me.

I want to be an accountant

After 23 years I have finally decided that I want to be an accountant. Today I found out what I got on one of my course works and it was a 2:2. When I saw it I was in denial. I even said to myself. To be honest that is the highest grade I have gotten as a piece of coursework.

Then I started crying when I woke after having a dream that I got 71 marks overall. That fact hurt me the most. I think I will have to accept that I could get a 2:2 as a degree. I worked hard with everything this year, I didn't sleep. I forced myself to do work. I was sick because of it. I had headaches but I still forced it. I gained a ton of weight and I still forced myself to do the work. I did so much and I pushed myself beyond anything and.....

If I still come out of this with a 2:2 then I have decided that I will still push on to become an accountant.

I will apply to smaller firms and hopefully, I can get something and at the same time I will look to gain some experience at an accounting firm in the city or surrounding areas so I can have relevant work experience under my belt.

When I get a job I will become a qualified accountant and then I can move to a bigger firm. I will work there for 5 to 10 years. With the dream of gaining enough experience to become a partner either at that big firm or at the big four.

I can't see myself doing anything else at the point. I know this is going to be hard and how I have put myself at a poor standing but I will work hard in anything I have. This is the only thing that I have ever done and achieved on my own. I see people crying on singing shows or at Olympics because they want it so bad or they are fighting for their dream and to me I am crying because I want to be an accountant.

I struggled at the internship and I struggled in my final year but I pushed through every single day until the very end. It wasn't all for nothing.

What to do now

So it's almost been a a week since I finished university and I feel like I have had enough time to relax and do nothing but I am ready to do all the things I couldn't do because I was doing my exams or coursework. I am back home now and I honestly thought I would enjoy doing nothing for a long time but watching shows are kind off boring now. I guess their really interesting when you have something to do.

1) On my list is to finally learn how to do design websites and hopefully, being able to sell them and make some money out of that.

2) I want to lose weight, I am 23 years old now and I went through my teens and young adulthood just unhappy with my weight. After what I suffered in  my final year. I am ready to finally lose this weight. I don't want to be 40 years old and still worrying about my weight. I will lose it. I want to be a size 12 or size 10. No more junk food and I want to workout. I need to create a plan today and start tomorrow.

3) Play sims 3 and read books.

4) Go out more.

Last day of university

Ahhhhh, I did it, it has been three years and I have started and finished university. I am not going to lie it was hard, I struggled so much doing the coursework and then the exams.

I feel like they don't tell you that part of university but the thing is in that process of struggling, crying and thinking I couldn't do it I was able fight through it, endure the tough times because I believed that they would end and now here I am. I have written my final exam of my education and I am now ready to take on the world and work. I am ready for that. I wasn't ready last year or even February this year but now after just sitting and watching people working hard and doing things it made me realize that I can do anything and that this is not the end for me. I will grow and learn and experience life so that I am able to become a better person.

Erm, I have to wait three weeks until my results, I don't really want to think about that because its out my hands now and there is nothing I can do now.

I don't even want to type, read or anything. I want to mind-numbing activities now like playing games.

I have a dream

I am going to keep this short, it is my birthday today. Right now, I finally know what I want to do in my future. I will probably talk about it more when I finish university. I have three months left and these are the hardest three months of my life. I am really going to try and get the work done at a good standard. I really hope that I get a first or a 2:1. I hope I don't get anything lower. I don't know if I can function if that happens.

Decision time- cross roads

I feel like all my posts are about my career confusions, life and so on now.

Right now, I am more certain that I want to start my own website company and it's going to be in the entertainment industry. I want to entertain people as I have been entertained but I would like it more in my home country instead of doing it mainstream.

So for now I need to write creatively. I used to write fan-fics and I enjoy reading books and I have tried a number of times to write a book but I was too lazy and I never got past 10 pages.

But I want to write a script, something small, I had ideas of doing scripts of someone in their room, and then I could do a storyboard and then act it out my self, like a weirdo. But that's the creative fun part I guess. Too see how I can use the lack of everything to be able to actually create something and then using after effects and premiere pro to edit and make it look like an actual film.

I think when I graduate or now it would be interesting to have a kdrama review kind of site and also a book review blog, and if I am brave I could go on youtube and actually give reviews in person and also play sims 4 and other games twitch and youtube. And also to write a book, probably Dystopian or romance. I really like those genres and now a days I can self-publish my books sell them on itunes or amazon and other online publications. This could be for free or for 99p. Even if we hope 10,000 buy the book. That is a lot of money.

I just want to entertain people, give them the joy that I have been given. Without TV shows, films, k dramas or books I don't know what kind of person I would be. It has been my escape from everything and I would love to offer that to others.

Especially where I am from because I can see that there is a market there that can be tapped into it just needs someone who knows what their doing. I feel like money will be an issue so for now I want to have a website with old shows, getting licencing and build it up a bit and then start creating the shows. The hardest part will be getting an investor. I will try hopefully, I will get one after things start rolling and then the next step will be actually start filming and production work. I said to myself, I know I will have made it if I can do a remake of "boys over flowers."

Wow, actually writing it down or typing it makes my mind feel a lot clearer. I keep on going back and forth on if I should do this or that but now I am going to take a chance and go for it. My predictions are that by 2017 I will be in production of my first drama. That is the hope. I know I am my own worst enemy but I will give it a real shot and not be lazy or put off when it gets hard.