Work mental strain and giving graduate schemes a go

I have been at my job for roughly 6 months now and until the end of July, things were alright and then one person who I worked with, she trained me and we sat opposite each other. She left and never came back and now a lot of the stuff she did has been  put onto me.

The thing is she was my shield. I did my accounting side and she dealt with the crazy family that run the business. If I haven't mentioned I work for a family business and it is pretty crazy.

I have cried multiple times, I have felt like I am stupid, when they make mistakes it's my fault. When in reality it is not. I am mentally drained. I am tired of saying sorry for things that are not my fault or saying thank you for some one doing what they were meant to do.

I am tired. Drained.

Sometimes, I think about the future, and it's crazy because I am such a loyal person that if I found a decent job I would stay there for years, decades even and last week Thursday I was walking to work and I was just imagining staying there for years, starting a family, weddings, all of that and then when I left my blood was boiling, I was upset with my self. I had been made too feel so small and useless and I know my worth and I know that it is not my fault.

When the girl left, she told me its not you it's them and to breathe.

It felt good to let out how I feel, it's sad because I don't think I can really talk to anyone about how I feel. And I accepted today that this place is negatively affecting my mental state. I am more on edge, not much can make me snap or want to cry and that isn't healthy. That isn't what work should be like and even though it has it's pro's and they are some people there that I absolutely love and would love to carry on working with.

The family is too crazy for me and the negative affects it is been having on me is not worth the money. I have learnt my lesson before where I just left a place and was unemployed for 2 years so this time I will not just quit but I am going to apply for Graduate scheme in 2020. They open up in September and I was ready but haven't been putting that much time into it, when I get home I am mentally drained and tired. This week I even slept at 21:45.

But I need to apply this one last time and if it doesn't work then I will look for another job in a bigger company in the new year.

One year is enough at this place.