Becoming a little bit less unemployable

Hello World, or future me who will read this. Hopefully, when I have a job.

Basically, I am still unemployed but a few things have changed in my life, the first being I am actually getting work experience, so I am waking up before 9am lol and doing monday to Friday every week. The first week was hard but now the week is going faster.

Today something special happened and I guess I wanted to talk about it because it's a positive and good thing. I was asked to speak in front of all the people at where I work and there were about 40/50 members of staff and I had to talk in front of them for 5 minutes.

I was asked yesterday and I agreed and when I did it today, it just flew by, I said everything confidently, or from the feedback that they gave me. The thing about public speaking is that I have done it before with uni and school so I had to force myself to not be nervous and just to get on with it and I guess it's paying off because after I finished it a lot of people said how well I did and even now I opened my email and there was a lovely email about how I preformed and I just want to cry because I haven't felt this proud of myself in a long time. I haven't felt this useful and smart and that I had achieved or done something worth will in a long time and it's nice.

Staying at home is great but those little accomplishments and achieving something in the workplace, the praise and compliments. It feels even better and I want that.

What is the next plan?
This changes all the time but for me right now, I want to get a job. I want to apply for jobs, to take it more seriously and to put myself out there more often.

Diaries of an Unemployed: Looks after in getting a job, Finance world Realisation

So, I watched a video and in it there was a homeless man sitting in Dunkin Donuts and the employee's poured water on him and told him to get out and not sleep there. And I burst out crying, even now as I write this, I am getting all emotional. It was just horrible and it made me think how awful some human beings are and how we try to fit into their normal, into their molds of what is acceptable, suppressing who we really are just so that we can fit in.

Let me back track, around 4 weeks ago, I went to the job seekers to sign on and there was this mentoring thing for black and asian people because we are disadvantaged, I wasn't too keen on going but can you really say no to job seeker's.

So, I went to the group session the next day where they told you more about it, from that it seemed alright and it was only for 3 weeks so I decided might as well go and see.

The first week, it went well, there was employee's from one big bank and another big company. I remember feeling emotional again but trying to hold it in because this was a woman who was my age working at a big bank in London whilst I was claiming benefits. It was just brilliant.

The second week, it was CV checking time, to be fair I liked this week and I do believe that she checked my CV very well and helped me out.

The third week, yesterday we went to the bank and there were about 7/8 people who worked at the bank, some doing their graduate scheme, some who had had 10/20 years of financial experience. The purpose of that day was to go through CV's again and to do a mock interview practice.

So, I ended up with an asian guy and he interviewed me and this other asian girl (we were actually quite close during those three weeks) And sigh...

You know when you feel like you have been judged already. All I can say is if I were to go to have an interview with him, I wouldnt get the job. I was asked my age, maybe I look 30/40 years old. I know my weight, i don't wear make up, I have my natural hair even though it's put in a up-do.

I'm getting side tracked. The question so what have you been doing all year came out? It was just the vibe, I got no feedback, the looks. I just felt like what is wrong with me... (i started crying just now) I think that's why I cried before because I was thinking if I want to get into the graduate scheme or accounting I will need to lose 50/60 pounds, wears wigs, put on make-up. I will need to stop being so ugly. How does one become unugly?

Do you know the advice he gave, go on google, google the jobs, he even googled accounting jobs. Like I didn't do that for a straight year. Flood your CV everywhere. was what he said, oh jeez why didn't I think of that.

I think from the second week, I actually started to really consider giving accounting another shot, giving graduate schemes another go and I even revised once. The first time I tried revising accounting, it just felt so draining, I didn't enjoy doing it at all. I have learnt this stuff twice already and look where I am. But speaking to people who are like if I can do it, you can too. You start believing that maybe I can do it too.

But now I am realising that that is not a world I want to be in. I think I realised it at the internship I did at a finance department at a big company. I was miserable. So miserable and I didn't like those types of people. That asian guy was those types of people. He wasn't that great, the racist woman from the charity wasn't that smart or great but they're making me feel as if, I am nothing. Who are they?

I am a smart person, I am intelligent, I am beautiful and you know who cares if I haven't been in employment for a year, because you know what I have been busting my butt, applying to a million jobs, completing application forms after application forms, practicing for online tests. Going to interviews and getting rejected time and time again. And picking myself up, time and time again. Because I am strong.

I am not going to lie, a part of me would have loved to be an accountant, maybe that's why if someone ignites that little flame, I go for it. I didn't study that subject for 5 years for nothing. I was good at it just not consistently good at it.

But even though it is hard to accept, I am accepting that accounting isn't for me and that's a hard pill to swallow. But I am accepting it. I wouldn't be happy and it would be a waste of my time and money to carry on with something that isn't anything. Sometimes the smartest thing is know when to quit.

And I tried, I really did try. I graduated in 2016 and now it's 2018. Two years, full circle of emotional hardship. I didn't want any regrets that's why I pushed my self time and time again but you know what it wasn't meant to be and today I am accepting that wholeheartedly.

So what are the plans for the future?

Web development, I need to get a portfolio going, learn more, designs UI, just put more effort into that.

I also want to start making wigs,lol. That is the good thing about the whole thing is the realisation that there are plenty of woman who do like wearing wigs, I have made a wig for myself for graduation so I do know how to make a wig. I plan on making one and selling it on ebay first to see if I can actually make a profit. I also have some other stuff I want to sell. I will see. If no one will employ me, I will have to fend for myself and start my own business from the ground up. And that's a better investment of my money than wasting it on more education.

I still want to learn korean, I have been quite lazy these days lol. I will become fluent in that language, that's a promise.

You know what I just let out a sigh of relief, its like I can finally breathe again now that Accounting is out of the equation.

So I got another job rejection!!

As I said in my previous post, I knew even before going to the interview that I wouldn't get it, I am so unemployable and I am so used rejection by now. It still hurts but I can only do my best.

So, this is the rejection email I got, they told me that I would hear back from them on Wednesday and I ended up getting an email on Friday Afternoon. By then I knew anyways that it was a dead end.

However, the day for me was a positive day. I went, I was 15 minutes early and I sat down and there were two other women there, a woman maybe in her late 30s/early 40s, she was white, dressed in jeans and flowery top. (Yes, for an interview) and another woman was there, the woman in jeans went up for her interview and then me and the other woman were there and we started talking.

After she got comfortable she whispered to me that the woman in jeans already knew the people in the office and someone had come down the stairs and had told her "you got this job already, this is no competition." Yes, that happened, so when I finally went in I was relaxed as a lamb because they already knew who they wanted.

There were 3 guys interviewing and I was so relaxed and kinda prepared, I answered the questions with confidence and gave examples and I have never had such a good feeling from an interview.

So, even though I didn't get it because people hire who they know already, I nailed that interview.

The down side is I didn't really apply for anything for a week because I was waiting for their answer, I am hoping for volunteering opportunities but they want references as well and I am just like really.

So, my confidence is a bit low at the moment and I would rather just put myself out there again but I have too carry on applying, hoping that someone out there in the world will give me a chance. I did complete a website today so I am not completely useless to this world.

At least this made me laugh. 

Long term Unemployment: I hate job interviews & I have one tomorrow

I can say now I have been in a long-term unemployment state and  I have cried a lot, I have been too a handful of interviews my last being with a racist or ageist as I am realizing now. It never occurred to me that 25 is too old to be applying for certain jobs.

So, I have an interview tomorrow and I am going to go because might as well. No, seriously, it is a good job at a big company that employee's a lot of people but I feel as though I am so unemployable right now, I have been through so much rejection that I have been trying to manage as best as I can with the situation that is my life but with a new interview I know I will go and they will see a long term unemployed fat black 25 year old and their basically judging you and I know I won't get it. I don't want to get my hopes again and think yesss this will be the one because my bubble has burst and life doesn't work like that.

I am just tired and I just want to get it over and done with. I will try my best, but I just know results and I know how this affect me in the end. I am realising now why I haven't cried in a few months it's because I haven't been to an interview in a few months.

The good thing is, it has made me more determined to carry on working on my web development. I will put in more effort to learn more and to grow more. They will not determine my self-worth.

Another unemployment post

I am still unemployed, hooray but I just wanted to come on here and vent how I am feeling that now. I feel like trash, I feel useless and low. And it's hard, I am 25 years old now and I know I am smart but when you get knocked back again and again and again it starts to build on you. It starts to affect you.

I'm at the point where I am even applying for retail jobs, stock taking jobs, just job a rejection email from NEXT for a stock taker job, yay.

I am starting to think, I need to do things myself, depend on myself. I am decent at web design, I have a little website, not this where I have started making websites, where I am still learning but I even made my first money. It was like £2.50 but I made something.

I get excited when I create something and I am getting better and it makes me feel as though I am not useless. So now I am at the point where I am going to put all my eggs in that basket. I will still apply for jobs but this is my main focus. I know I will need to start building a portfolio and then when improve more then I can start showcasing that and I can either get a job in that filed or freelance.

I also want to look into 3d designs. I have downloaded the software but I havent used it yet.

You know I might be unemployed for another year but if I spend it just applying to job and not doing anything else I know that will be the biggest regret of my life because in august, literally a year ago, i decided I want to apply to graduate schemes since I graduate from University with an accounting degree and from September to December all I did was apply to graduate schemes and those take a lot of time, doing the application forms, the questions and the research. Then the numerical and verbal reasoning tests. And during all of that, I didn't get one interview. I just got rejection, after rejection until I started to apply to regular firms, finance/ accounting jobs in general not graduate schemes and I got a few interviews. So from January until May. I think went to 5 interviews, one was a volunteering thing and I got rejected from all of them.

And it was hard and the interviews where the biggest confidence knocks in my life. Now, it’s been a year. Most of my focus was on applying for jobs. So, in a sense I wasted a year of my life and I didn’t get anything out of it except tears and a low self-worth.

But I feel like I am someone who was programmed to do the right thing, even if it doesn’t make me happy. I went to college, went to uni. I would have stuck around a job I didn’t like just to be a normal citizen. Basically, and even now I think from time to time when will this end and it doesn’t end. When will I have a career, when will someone give me a chance. I get those thoughts but even though it’s hard I am starting accept that accounting is not for me. I have been rejected.

I have two choices in life

Cry and carry on applying, waste another year of my life.

Or 2. Take things into my own hands, create my own opportunities and I will probably have to worker than I have ever worked in my whole entire life. But I have no choice, that is what I will have to do.

Gossip Girl review season 1 to 6 (Dair) (spoilers)

I know I am soooooo late but this year I decided to try gossip girl and I completely fell in love with it, I loved all the characters, I loved the stories, every episode, every season. I was drawn in. I loved the high school feel of the show and even when they left high school it was still very good.

After months of watching the show it has finally ended, I know who gossip girl is, but to me the fact that Dan was gossip girl it didn't really shock me as much as the fact that Kristen Bell being the voice of gossip girl. I loved her in Veronica mars, I feel like I fell in love with her voice. XOXO gossip girl. and I will miss it.

Let me talk about the relationships, I can start with Dan and Serena. The first season, I loved them together. I loved Serena and her efforts to change her self from being someone who drank alot and partied hard. She wanted to be better and Dan helped her with that. After they broke up, they both dated a lot of other people and honestly all the way up to season 4, I still couldn't see them ending up with anyone else. Until Dan and Blair happened. I did kinda see it coming from season three. but I didn't think the writers would actually do it because Chuck and Blair where this epic love.

Before I even saw this show, I had seen comments saying chuck and Blair, so I knew they were THE couple and I did like them, they were for the most part the only couple that stayed together throughout the show. Even though Blair was with a few people and so was Chuck you always knew that they would be back together. But their relationship was quite toxic, they really didn't have that much in common, it was just the extraness of the love and a lot of excuses. I think in total they were only together for some of season 2 and that was it.

The biggest surprise for me is how much I loved Dan and Blairs relationship. I feel like I love the hate to love trope in couples. They hated each other, they were not even friends but seeing them go from not liking each other to secretly going to the movies, becoming friends. Seeing how much Dan cared and loved Blair to me was beautiful because before that like Nate and all other characters, he jumped from one relationship to another but with Blair even though he knew his chances of having her were slim he still waited, his heart still longed to be with her. To protect her.

And he was always there for her with the whole prince mess that went on. Plus, when Blair finally, accepted her feelings, it was so beautiful to watch because Dan made her happy, he was there by her side to support her. She grew to be more independent, to find that Blair happiness that was lost before she was with him and it was nice to watch. They did normal relationship stuff, they spent all night talking to each other.

Also, I do have to say I loved their witty banter, I also loved the first time they did it and it was awful. I laughed so hard and then that elevator scene. Chileeeeee I replayed that scene so many times. When they kissed the way Dan looked at her, it was desire, the way he held her so gently. Their height difference was so beautiful. (im not going to lie until these two got together I didn't notice how short Chuck was or how tall Serena was)

But yes, their height difference was so perfect, that elevator scene were Dan lifted Blair up like she was a feather, I was like woahhhhh. That was hot! Their chemistry was fire.

I knew though that they wouldn't last because Blair and Chuck were the writers end game couple. Their break-up to me seemed forced. Again Blair has to choose another guy or Chuck and of course she always picks Chuck. And Dan sleeps with Serena at the same place she slept with Nate. I feel as though they had to make Dan cheat on Blair so that it looks as though it's even that Blair chose Chuck again and she's not the bad guy.

Season 6 was more about trying to turn Dan into this evil bad guy and Chuck into a good guy even though he ended up basically killing his father and got away with it. Even when Blair and Chuck got back together or she waited for him for 9 episodes, it didn't feel the same. Even when they spoke there wasn't any substance it was either about scheming, Chuck taking his father down, professing their love but there were never any deep conversations like when Blair was with Dan and even their kisses, they weren't as passionate for me, like for Chuck it looked like his lips were closed and pressed together when he kissed her. Like when she kissed Dan she would throw her whole body onto him. It just felt more natural.

Moving on to Serena and Dan. If these two hadn't gotten together in the end, I would have been okay with it. Serena has been in love so many times and each time she always thinks his the one, a professor, or two. A married man, an ex-con. Nate and so on.

When Dan and Serena got back together, it didn't feel as though Dan really liked her as much. The way he looked at Serena wasn't as loving as the way he looked at Blair. So, when it was revealed that he was sorta doing it for his story, it made sense to me. But then the writers wanted us to believe that Serena had always been the one for him, he never lost interest in her, he had always loved her and I call Bull to that because she had confessed before and he wasn't interested at all. He loved Blair.

To me, Dan and Blair are the ultimate couple of Gossip Girl and I enjoyed their couple very much.

Also, something that annoyed me is that the writers never really gave us an indication as to when they finished college, Serena took a semester off and never went back the rest just forgot about college and there was no mention of them graduating. It was forgotten.

But anyways, I really enjoyed the show, it's a shame I didn't watch it when it came out but at least I didn't have to wait for new episodes to come out. What am I going to do with my life now, lol. I really enjoyed the show. A wonderful gem.

xoxo gossip girl

Job interview experiences, rejections and things I have learn't

So far in 2018 I have had 5 interviews, 4 of them for paid jobs and 1 (which was today) for a volunteering position since I have been out of work of 1 year now. All these job interviews I have learn't a lot and I have been interviewed by different people and every time after an interview I always feel the saddest because as I am typing this I am still unemployed.

These are the few things I have learn't to do and to be aware of.

1. The handshake, there should be a handshake at the beginning of the interview and at the end of the interview. It is important to have a firm handshake, make eye contact with the person and to connect the corners of your thumbs. But also take note of how the interviewer does the hand shake, from the 5 interviews I have noticed the bigger more professional companies and interviewers the handshake was firm, all of the hand and at the beginning and end of the interview. I had two interviews one at a really small place, they literally touch the tips of my fingers and another (the charity) first hand shake was quick and there was no second hand shake at the end of the interview even though I tried to wait to see if they would offer. 

2. A professional person should not and will not mention that there are interviewing other candidates, if they mention that 9/10 times it's an subconscious sign that they don't really like you for the job and they have already crossed you of off their list. Or maybe this is their way of giving you little signs that you probably shouldn't get your hopes up. (but you never know you might get the job if the people that come after are worse than you or they don't turn up)

3. Always be 15/10 minutes early, dress professionally, wear a white plain shirt (blouse) apparently that shows you are organised.) Make eye contact, try not to move your arms as much when speaking. 

4. If there is something about you or your application that is a disadvantage try to mention it before they ask you. For example, with me I have been unemployed for a year now and to an employer they start to think why is there a gap? What happened? So, I decided that when I start talking about my work experience I will mention that I was unemployed for this long and explain the reason. For me it was because of personal health reasons. If you say that it's honest and I highly doubt that the person will ask for more questions but there was one interview that I did go into further details with and they were fine with in.

I was planning on writing about my experiences with all four interviews but I am crying right now and I can't stop. Because it hurts, I went to the volunteering place today at a charity which deals with mental wellbeing for a finance position and I could tell from the second she saw my black fat self that she had already ruiled me out because of the way I looked. The handshake was very rushed, those ones that barely touch your hand that's it and then when I sat down. I believe that 3 or 4 times she made a reference to how she had other interviews lined up or how many people she was going to interview for this position. She even said if you are working with you will see this and then she corrected herself and said if it even is you that works with us. 

Then when we were talking about the job role and I mentioned about the other admin duties I did at my old job she was like you should have applied for the admin position that was opened at the position in another department. It was very obvious she didn't want me to work with her but in my mind I remember thinking at one point in the interview to smile, to ask questions, listen. Learn from this experience. And when she had finished her questions we ended up talking about the city she lives at and housing prices. That was probably my first informal small talk at an interview but at the end there was no hand shake and that was a big sign. 

I have stopped crying now and I feel a bit better. It sucks that at a job someone isn't basing their judgement on weather you are suitable for the role because of your skills and experience but more so because of the color of your skin or the way you look. And it hurts because they are people like that and this is still the world we live in but I need to be a strong black woman. I need to learn from this experience because it will make me stronger. 

I love this quote, I applied and I went to that interview, I tried. I put myself out there and even if I get rejected 5/10 more times. I will carry on trying until I get something because I know for a fact that something great is waiting for me. 

The biggest thing for me right now is to carry on applying for jobs, right now I am in a kind-off limbo situation where I went to an interview for a really company and compared to the interview I just today, the person was so professional. The levels of both women were incomparable. The professionalism for the woman at the big company and the one at the charity was crazy. 

Sometimes you meet people like that and if I can take one thing from that experience it is that if I am ever in that position of interviewing people I will not act like that and also when I do get a job I will be faced with situations where I will be around people who will judge me because of the way I look especially in the finance industry. I'm going to have to grow tough skin than what I have now. 

Also, I have to do more when I am applying. I need to make sure that they can find no faults, that my application, answers at interviews, online and real life tests are perfect. I also want to be able to have another skill, to make money with something else even if it for my mental well-being (the irony that the place that helps mental well-being has people like that working there).

But Happy thoughts, let this push you further. You will be amazing. 

I'm 25, unemployed and Obese

Happy birthday to me, this birthday I think hit me the hardest. The days leading up to my 25th I had thoughts that I am unemployed, when I was 13/14 I didn't think this is where I would be. But here I am and one thing someone said to me was you are healthy and you have a roof over your head. And of course at the time it didn't sink in but now that it is actually my birthday and I am 25 years old. I feel as though this is the time for me to take charge of my life.

To stop running away, crying, mopping around and doing nothing because then nothing will change.

My life is starting at 25, they are people who change their lives at 40, 25, 30. So if they can do it, so can I.

I am still looking for a job, I went to interview last week and didn't get the job. But it was good experience, I am signing on again and it gives me something to get out of the house for, some type of income coming in. It pushes me to work even harder and I have gotten some good advice as well.

Also, since I was out of employment for a year, during my telephone interviews and interviews. The issue that always comes up is me being unemployed for a year so I contacted some charities where I stay and so far I have gotten two responses, one that is I will let you know at the end of the month and another that sounds like a definite but will be available at mid April. I have realised, I need to have some work experience in order to get a job in accounting.

Another thing that I want to do this year is to do AAT. I paid money before and I chickened out of doing a single exam but I feel like I have matured in that time and I am more desperate now. I want it more. Also, it will be good to have something that I have achieved again, even if it's just for myself. I miss that exam, learning environment, studying so I am going to do that for myself.

Also, I want to lose weight, I want to have a healthy BMI, I have lost some weight but I feel as though I need to put more effort and time into myself, my body, mind and soul.

So this year I want to love myself more, do things that strengthen my knowledge of accounting, get some work experience, get a job (Fingers crossed) be healthy.

I will try to write more about the things I experience, the lessons I learn on here and I think it's time I redo this theme,lol.

But, I'm 25 and I am going to look at life as positive as I can. I can do anything and I will do everything that I want to do.

Happy New year - Two interviews in one day and getting no job.

Happy New year everyone and happy birthday to this website. I cannot believe that I have been posting on here for 7 years, when I was in college I started this blog. And I feel as though this really is a blog that is out there in the world but no one knows it's there but I kind of like that because it feels more like a personal online diary where I write about my life experiences especially career, education wise.

In those years I have finished college, gone to university, dropped out, been unemployed, gotten a job..gone back to university...graduated (Yayyy) and gotten another job. Went through a faze of uncertainty. Unemployed again and that;s where we are now. What a crazy 7 years and I like that little parts of that are recorded on here so that when I am feeling all sentimental I can look back to where I was.

So, with all that said I just wanted to come on here and talk about my two interviews.

Basically, where I am at now is I want an accounting job and I will become a qualified accountant, through wind and fire. Bring it on, I am ready. So, I re-did my CV and it looks really good now. I have been applying regularly and I was applying to accounts assistant roles and finance admin roles.

So I was just applying to anything and I got a response from a nursery that wanted a finance administrator. I got a call, was asked a few questions and then I had an interview on Monday. When looking back at the job advert, I realised that it was part time, and I don't know about that. But I was still optimistic in the fact that it would be relevant experience. When I got there I got the impression that it was more admin than actual financial side of things. But they did give me a practical exercise of doing a letter and adding things into an excel sheet. I tried my best with the whole letter part but I will practice that in the future because I don't think it was perfect. I also don't know why I didn't practice it before because I remember someone before mentioning that they had an interview at a small place and were asked to write a letter. So, I will practice that because I know it will come up again in the future.

The second interview was with a finance controller for an project administrator role....To be honest, I repeatedly looked through the job role but when he was explaining what the role actually was, it was completely different, I am not going to lie, I messed up by even applying to both jobs because they really are not what I was looking for. But I do have to say that I am glad I went to the interviews because it was good experience. I have already written down the questions they asked, the answers I gave and what answers would have been better. I don't believe future interview will be that different.

So, in the end I am not that sad or sad at all, I am actually relieved because I did not want to make the choice of taking or leaving the job offered to me because I am still unemployed. But now that I have been rejected (also with the second interview, he mentioned a few people were leaving so red flags were going off in my mind because why are all these people leaving??? huh?)

But as I was saying, its good they rejected me, I got an email this morning and they liked my answers but they went with someone better. I just replied saying thank you for considering me, good luck to the company. It felt good to leave/ end the process on a positive note because you never really know what the future will be like, I might end up connecting with that company or people in future somehow so I am glad on my part it all ended positively and I am going to take everything that I have learnt and improve my interview techniques. Because there is still room for improvement.

I am going to be more aware of the jobs that I apply to.

So, this is an interesting start to 2018. Hopefully, fingers crossed, I will get a job in the accounting industry.