Doing what you love instead of what pays the bills

So my university bubble burst and I stopped believing the dreams that I was sold by the education system. I went through a faze and I am still probably going through that faze.

I believed the hype, the high paychecks and the amazing lifestyle that was sold with the careers but to come to the realisation that I wasn't the only person who was sold those dreams. The thing is this dream began to be sold by society that it would be amazing from high school, college and university. I did it all and I suffered and held my tongue and carried on suffering because at the end of it I thought I would get that good job after graduation and I would be working hard and playing hard. I cried in my final year of university so many times when I didn't think I could do it or that I had failed and I would wake up at 4 am and work or go to sleep at 8am in the morning. I suffered through an internship that I hated and so much more just to end up as a legal secretary. And thats lucky because a lot of people in my situation are unemployed.

I feel robbed, like this was a long well planned robbery. I need justice for this.

But I feel as though this realisation is waking me up to the real world and it's situation. Of I need to get a job, pay bills and suffer for the rest of my life until I retire. I don't want to do that. I will not suffer all week for what. I am not in school anymore where I know that Christmas holiday or summer is coming or even the end of a year. This is a long stretch until retirement for me to suffer and just look forward to the weekend.

Even though I feel like I am a bird that has been caged and institutionalized for so long and now I have no cage and I am looking for a cage because that is all that I know. It's scary to wonder around and try to find my own feet but each cage I end up in it doesn't feel comfortable. I have tried many jobs in my life, retail, nursery nurse, nursing, recruitment, customer services, receptionist and the sad truth is I never liked any one of them and I have always felt as though I am not myself when I am at work.

But after university I had deluded myself into thinking that having a job would provide some sort of happiness that I cannot get from anywhere else.  But it just brings me sadness.

So I have decided that I am going to do what makes me happy and even if I am not rich and I am scrapping my wallet for pennies that is what I am going to be doing.

I want to do web designing and create another blog that I have had in mind and I want to just start and finish something and not think about cost factors of it but the process and growth. I don't want to be a corporate accountant. I know in my gut that I will hate it. I was just in denial and it isn't for me. I cant or I don't want to cram down more exams and work with people I don't like. Life is too short. I would rather meet people whilst doing fun stuff who I will have a lot in common with.

At this point in time at 22:42  - 29/09/2016 I don't know what my future holds and I hope that when I read back to this point in a couple years I will be happy with the decision I have just made to be self-employed and be passionate about my dreams.