Diaries of an Unemployed: Looks after in getting a job, Finance world Realisation

So, I watched a video and in it there was a homeless man sitting in Dunkin Donuts and the employee's poured water on him and told him to get out and not sleep there. And I burst out crying, even now as I write this, I am getting all emotional. It was just horrible and it made me think how awful some human beings are and how we try to fit into their normal, into their molds of what is acceptable, suppressing who we really are just so that we can fit in.

Let me back track, around 4 weeks ago, I went to the job seekers to sign on and there was this mentoring thing for black and asian people because we are disadvantaged, I wasn't too keen on going but can you really say no to job seeker's.

So, I went to the group session the next day where they told you more about it, from that it seemed alright and it was only for 3 weeks so I decided might as well go and see.

The first week, it went well, there was employee's from one big bank and another big company. I remember feeling emotional again but trying to hold it in because this was a woman who was my age working at a big bank in London whilst I was claiming benefits. It was just brilliant.

The second week, it was CV checking time, to be fair I liked this week and I do believe that she checked my CV very well and helped me out.

The third week, yesterday we went to the bank and there were about 7/8 people who worked at the bank, some doing their graduate scheme, some who had had 10/20 years of financial experience. The purpose of that day was to go through CV's again and to do a mock interview practice.

So, I ended up with an asian guy and he interviewed me and this other asian girl (we were actually quite close during those three weeks) And sigh...

You know when you feel like you have been judged already. All I can say is if I were to go to have an interview with him, I wouldnt get the job. I was asked my age, maybe I look 30/40 years old. I know my weight, i don't wear make up, I have my natural hair even though it's put in a up-do.

I'm getting side tracked. The question so what have you been doing all year came out? It was just the vibe, I got no feedback, the looks. I just felt like what is wrong with me... (i started crying just now) I think that's why I cried before because I was thinking if I want to get into the graduate scheme or accounting I will need to lose 50/60 pounds, wears wigs, put on make-up. I will need to stop being so ugly. How does one become unugly?

Do you know the advice he gave, go on google, google the jobs, he even googled accounting jobs. Like I didn't do that for a straight year. Flood your CV everywhere. was what he said, oh jeez why didn't I think of that.

I think from the second week, I actually started to really consider giving accounting another shot, giving graduate schemes another go and I even revised once. The first time I tried revising accounting, it just felt so draining, I didn't enjoy doing it at all. I have learnt this stuff twice already and look where I am. But speaking to people who are like if I can do it, you can too. You start believing that maybe I can do it too.

But now I am realising that that is not a world I want to be in. I think I realised it at the internship I did at a finance department at a big company. I was miserable. So miserable and I didn't like those types of people. That asian guy was those types of people. He wasn't that great, the racist woman from the charity wasn't that smart or great but they're making me feel as if, I am nothing. Who are they?

I am a smart person, I am intelligent, I am beautiful and you know who cares if I haven't been in employment for a year, because you know what I have been busting my butt, applying to a million jobs, completing application forms after application forms, practicing for online tests. Going to interviews and getting rejected time and time again. And picking myself up, time and time again. Because I am strong.

I am not going to lie, a part of me would have loved to be an accountant, maybe that's why if someone ignites that little flame, I go for it. I didn't study that subject for 5 years for nothing. I was good at it just not consistently good at it.

But even though it is hard to accept, I am accepting that accounting isn't for me and that's a hard pill to swallow. But I am accepting it. I wouldn't be happy and it would be a waste of my time and money to carry on with something that isn't anything. Sometimes the smartest thing is know when to quit.

And I tried, I really did try. I graduated in 2016 and now it's 2018. Two years, full circle of emotional hardship. I didn't want any regrets that's why I pushed my self time and time again but you know what it wasn't meant to be and today I am accepting that wholeheartedly.

So what are the plans for the future?

Web development, I need to get a portfolio going, learn more, designs UI, just put more effort into that.

I also want to start making wigs,lol. That is the good thing about the whole thing is the realisation that there are plenty of woman who do like wearing wigs, I have made a wig for myself for graduation so I do know how to make a wig. I plan on making one and selling it on ebay first to see if I can actually make a profit. I also have some other stuff I want to sell. I will see. If no one will employ me, I will have to fend for myself and start my own business from the ground up. And that's a better investment of my money than wasting it on more education.

I still want to learn korean, I have been quite lazy these days lol. I will become fluent in that language, that's a promise.

You know what I just let out a sigh of relief, its like I can finally breathe again now that Accounting is out of the equation.