I really enjoyed my time at uni and I enjoyed meeting different people from different walks of life. In my final year I remember finding strength from the fact the I had to do this so that my family could see me graduate on the day.
So when the results came out I found out that I was graduating I didn't want to cause them any issues so I ordered my own gown, pictures, bought tickets, booked the hotel room and everything. Literally, all they had to do was to turn up.
I had my mum, dad and little brother there. So on the day we weren't together because I had to go with other graduates and I was lucky enough to sit with my friend so it was fun and we got to look back to the times that we were struggling and how we are finally here. Graduating. I remember walking and getting my certificate. I was so happy in that moment. It was my time, I was proud of myself. Nothing else mattered at that time.
When the ceremony ended I went to meet my family and my mum hugged me however, my brother was already in a horrible mood and was ready to go home. Not even 20 seconds there, the atmosphere had changed. They were arguing. But we had to get the professional photographs taken. The ceremony finished at 12:10 and I had paid extra so that we can get a slot for 13 but they didn't want to wait. They were refreshments drinks and little treats. I couldn't even eat that without being shouted at and being told to hurry up and get the photos done. When we got to the photos and the guy was taking our family photo my brother wasn't even smiling he had sulking face as if he didn't want to be there and the guy even pointed it out and told him to smile and he wouldn't.
Then when I was getting pictures with my friends my father and brother left to go sit in the car. At the end when I wanted to voice how my feelings at how disappointed I was that they didn't let me enjoy this one day. I was told that I was acting like a "silly little girl." and basically that I should be grateful that they even showed up. What I realized is that this isn't just a celebration of my three years at university but all my work from high school, college that led up to this moment.
The thing is my brother didn't even leave high school with any GCSE's and has done nothing all year so maybe watching me achieve something was intimidating. And then when I think of it, what were we rushing for, one just played games and the other on the computer.
It made me realise something though. When I was with friends I always went back home for my birthday (were we did nothing, not even going out or eating on the dining table.) and I never fully understood the value of celebrating a birthday or a moment for someone else. Even if you don't want to be there. It isn't about you but because you care or love that person you should do it for them.
Another thing I have noticed from this experience is that my opinion is never taken into account and my feelings as well. In this family, if anything happens it is just brushed under the rug as if nothing has happened. I don't think that is healthy.
I have decided that I need to leave this toxic environment. The three years I was away were so freeing, I was around people who actually respected my opinion and were we could go out and actually have a good time.
I came into this world alone and I will leave it alone. I need to start putting myself first even with my family because when I think about it. That is what they always do with themselves. I guess it took me a little while to realise that is how it is supposed to be.
On a positive note, I appreciate my mother a lot more and regardless of everything. I still graduated and I did it. Throughout all the obstacles that were in front of me. I pushed through all of them.
No comments:
Post a Comment