I am 22 years old now and I have finished my second year at university. I will be going into my final year and at this time next year I will have a degree and I guess I will be official living the adult life. Working, hopefully with a job. Jumping on the career ladder.
My second year at university was a bit different, I had no motivation, I felt lost and lonely but I was in denial of it. I was just making excuses and not thinking about the future or where I wanted to go. For that my grades where not as great as I would have liked them to be. I did however, manage to get a internship, I don't know how I managed to do that, now that I think about it. But I got it and it was an awakening to the real world.
I worked with people who I will probably never see again, I realised what work ethics entails and commuting and just how stressful it can all be. And I complained to anyone who would listen my poor family and friends but I sit here today thinking it wasn't so bad. The people were nice and I laughed quite a lot and it's good to meet people who are different. I think working is good but communicating and socialising is what makes life great.
I guess I was so shut off really, I was around people that I was comfortable with, I didn't have to make an effort or try and I have always tried, that's how I made friends. I always tried but I had been complacent with not trying. Not trying to get to know people and being open with other people to get to know me. I guess I have learnt something after all from the internship. These will be people I will see every single day. I would rather make the tea and that they be my friends than just co-workers.
Anyways, that was a bit off topic, Choices, this is what this post is about. I don't really feel like I have never had a choice in my life. I have always done what I was mean't to do or what other people wanted or I didn't have a choice so I did what I had to do in order to get ahead or pass a course in college or at university. I guess the only time way I felt I could make a choice and for it to be truly mine was choosing to quit or drop out or leave. That was my choice and no one could stop me. That was the only time my little voice was heard by leaving, quieting or running away. That's when people listen when you leave. I guess that was the wrong way of seeing life or work. It's funny how I have just realised that I do that now. From re-reading this post just now.
But now I have to make the biggest decision of my life because this decision will determine my future.....
I choose to be a Chartered accountant. I have ran away from it or no matter what I always end up here because that is what I was always meant to do. I guess it's hard for me to accept that I want to be an accountant because then I will really have to work hard for something. I will be opening myself up to fail. What if I am not good enough, what if I don't get a job? What if I end up back where I was before I started my degree? With nothing.....no hope, future? I am going to be vulnerable again.
So I tried to run away from that, to stop dreaming, or should I say to start dreaming that I could make it in something else. Make excuses, but deep down I liked it. The internship wasn't for me but I know if I work with people that I like and the job is actually challenging and I have some responsibility I will enjoy myself.
When I grow up I want to be an accountant. I wonder when this journey started but this is my choice and I know I have a lot of catching up to do so that I can have a good degree but that's what I want. I need structure and order and rules. That day off when you are mean't to be at work is so much more enjoyable than just being home all the time. I couldn't do it. I am already bored out of my mind.
Sometimes I feel like subconsciously I did this to myself on purpose so that I have a challenge. Maybe I felt like things where too easy and that I wanted to make things a lot harder for myself. Because it's going to be a miracle for me to get a graduate scheme to the top 10 or even top 50 accounting firms in this country.
But I guess I like a challenge, revise, enlighten myself with the firms, their current status and bush up or should I say gain some skills about application forms, interviews, assessment centers and so forth and so on. I don't how I am going to explain my grades but will see. I will need to prove to them that I am the best candidate for the job but also for myself I need to see if their the best firm for me to sign away three years of my life to. I can't just walk into this blind. I would rather wait than rush into anything.
This is going to be my last summer holiday, I guess I better enjoy it to my fullest as I might not get another holiday this long for a long time if I am lucky. I am finally all in this, I was half hearted before but now it is all or nothing. No matter what, this is my path. I might have to make some hard choices ahead of me but I will be doing the right thing.
I liked how on the last day me buying them strawberry's and donuts made them happy, little things make people happy. I need to channel them and be more open. I guess she was trying to drum that into me, my eyes were just clouded. Wow, the lessons you learn in life.
I don't know where the future will take me but I would like to have a career and start a family, have a wedding, have children. Be in love. I saw this woman in office wear carrying her little boy maybe 2 or 3 years old in her arms as she got in her car and I said to myself that, that's what I wanted in life.
I have to grow up now and stop living in Never never land, maybe there was another reason as to why I watched peter pan a million times. The boy who never wanted to grow up and hold a real job.
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