I just googled is it normal to cry alot because of work

 I just googled, is it normal to cry a lot because of work. I have been working at my place for almost 2 years now and the people have made me cry more than a dozen times or more. I feel like crying now.

I work sooo hard and I try my best there. I like the work, I like accounts and figuring that out but the people there are horrid and I'm tired. Even if I work really hard and I try my best their always trying to make me feel small, make me feel as though I made a mistake or I did this wrong and sometimes it's just tiring. 

I am just tired. I cry and I put up with it because of money. They have all this power to affect me like this because of money.

Adulthood sucks or maybe it's just the toxic environment I work at.

The thing with me is if I were to find a place to work at I would settle and stay there but this place. I know it will only be a matter of time until it becomes too much for me and I really don't want to walk out and then go back to being unemployed. 

Covid hasn't really helped me in terms of me now looking for a new job but I need to use them being toxic as a way to motivate me into finding a new job. I can't take anymore of this.

I am so tired. 

Also, sometimes I want to just be self-employed because then I don't have to deal with toxic people and I can just do my own thing. But I need the motivation for that. But I want to try. 

If I can search for a job and also try to think up business ideas or things that could bring in income or even learning a new skill then I will be happy.

But all I know is 2021 I am leaving this place, even if I have to travel long I will do so. 

I have learnt alot, I am grateful for the experience but this is now the time for me to man up and look for better things. 

How Bighit is making me distance myself from BTS

 I've just been crying and I thought let me just sit down and let out everything that I have been feeling. I discovered BTS in 2016, in my final year of university. It slowly happened, I had never stanned a kpop group before. I just liked their music and as I did my coursework and revised for my exams, I listened to their music, I watched their shows and DVD's when I was eating, before going back to revising. 

They made me laugh during the stressful period. I remember fire came out and I was wowed by them. After my final exam I remember going home and watching a ton of BTS videos and waking up and watching more. 

I then went home and I was in the period of looking for a job in what I graduated in and I couldn't find anything. But at the same time I started to get deeper into stanning BTS.

I ended up getting a job and after some months I had to leave for health reasons. During that BTS helped me when I was sad. I was on social media to keep up with them, I learnt to make gifs, I made BTS videos that have over millions of video on youtube, I started writing lol. 

After I got better, I started applying for jobs and I kept on getting rejected. I cried and I would watch Eat Jin videos and I would laugh, I would cry other times and listen to Jungkook's covers and feel better.

Making videos, posts, getting likes and stuff that distracted me, that made me feel less useless. As I was going to job interviews and getting rejected again and again. 

At the beginning I never bought albums, I hadn't bought an album in 7 or 10 years. But I bought BTS's album on itunes and I bought Bon voyage on vlive, the first one it gave me a lot of joy.

I was still unemployed but I still had some money to spend on just that.

Then I finally got a job that was related to my degree. 

I remember the journey I took with BTS, When they won the award at the Billboard awards, I stayed up until 5am because they went on vlive after and I was so happy. Like the way they were so happy and there was so much going on and it was such a wild and exciting experience, even fake love performance and all the times they have gone to the USA for. 

The crack videos made me laugh, the interviews. Watching it live on Rabb.it. I hosted a live stream that was fun watching it with other army's.

I think I have done everything as a fan, I have been to see them live at wembley, that was one the best days of my life, just seeing them live, in real live was beyond amazing. BTS are so talented. 

I have even gone to the cinema to see their movies, it was such a good experience.

Also, for me at one point I was subscribed to Bighit entertainment on youtube and I had the notifications on. I remember youtube changed something once and I was like noo, I need my notifications. 

When I first heard about a new boygroup debuting under bighit I wasn't too keen but I thought then that bighit were a genuine non-greedy company. 

And I do have to say on vlive, when they first introduced BTS ch+ which at the time, I remember Jimin went on live on BTS ch+, they was a chat, there was BTS pictures posted only on there. it was £20 for a year. 

I remember looking at other groups at the time and compared to a lot of other groups at the time they were actually cheaper so I was like wow bighit is actually reasonable, so I got the membership. All we really got was Run behind maybe once in a while one of the boys would go on the chat. But I was fine with that.

Okay, back to TXT, before their debut I was still interested to know what they would be like. What we had seen from bighit was that BTS would have their own team and txt would have their own team. They would be completely separate. That was what was sold.

They were first introduced with introduction videos, were they didn't say anything, fair enough and then another round of silent videos showing only their visuals. Then I was over it. I wanted to know if they can sing or dance. I thought considering how big BTS were only the best of the best would be auditioning to Bighit. 

I guess I was wrong. Then they debuted, I wasn't too impressed, they were a few songs that were ok then I forgot about them. This time on Bighit entertainment, I was getting now notifications from txt even speed art paintings...like really. 

I didn't mind but then when they changed to bighit labels, they acquired source music, gfriend and seventeen's label which they denied and denied even though seventeen was on weverse. Oh gosh..

The thing about txt is that their second album wasn't bad, I liked 20cm, I even watched one of their reality shows. They seem nice but one thing that I couldn't find was who was my bias, for BTS, it was Jimin and he is so talented. But with txt I just couldn't find that. I remember seeing a post saying the reason why we can't pick a bias in txt is cos of army's, it was a stupid post the thing I took from it was it wasn't only me who couldn't choose a bias. They are nice kids but I don't think any one of them has that star quality. I remember when they had debuted, I had subscribed on vlive and their youtube channel but i remember bighit had given them a run copy kind of episode and they were so awkward and boring. I had to just unsubscribe from both. 

January 2020, they started uploading gfriend stuff on bighit labels. That was when I unsubscribed. I never would have thought in a million years I would be unsubscribing to bighit ever but it happened.

The thing is when gfriend came out years ago I liked their first two songs, the song was catchy, the music video and dances were amazing but they kept on coming out with the same kinda concept and I got bored like many people and they were left behind. When people talk about kpop girlgroups gfriend didn't even come into the picture.

And now their being shoved down army's throats, 99% of people subscribed to bighit labels are army like me.

Also as they were promoting gfriend, that was during BTS comeback, then they did a corporate meeting which made me cry. I am not even going to go through the bs they talked about. They were selling bts memberships, concert tickets were going on sell. Then the whole art photography mess. Overall, the comeback was a mess, I love the album though.

I want to say when they did the pre-orders, the same day...hold on let me say first that a few years back, when BTS came to the O2 Arena I didn't get tickets but I remember hearing that there was a korean shop that sold their albums. I was going to to london anyways that day so I decided to go there. I got the last love yourself album and I was so happy. I got my first photocard and it was amazing. The next album I pre-ordered one from amazon. It came the day after the release. But because I had pre-ordered it I couldn't choose which version I wanted so when Map of the soul:7 went on pre-order. Now I have a job, I went on Amazon and I pre-ordered all 4 versions. 

When the albums came they were so big and the booklet was non existent, I had these newspaper pullout pages, the pictures on two of the albums were so dark I couldn't see anything. The photocards in the uk were group ones. The main thing for me was the booklet, it looked cheap and lazy, for how big album was I was very disappointed in that and I had spend like £100 on those albums and that also builds into this blind faith I and many army's have or had with bighit. 

Overall, during the Map of the soul comeback, because of everything bighit did, I wished it would end soon. I wanted the promotion of the comeback to end. 

I think promoting bts memberships, how they handled the tours during the pandemic especially for international fans was awful. As I write this now, international fans still haven't been given their money back. 

TXT had a comeback soon after, which felt rushed, all songs sounded the same, except one which had really bad auto tuning. The music video looked like a college Halloween project. I saw a few times were they copied BTS concepts and their trying to do the same hyyh world thing but it just looks awful. 

I think then I accepted that they were not it. I give it a few more years, they will probably still milk the group because army's now stan them but we will probably only see them at bighit family concerts. Or they might carry on spending money on them just to save face so that its not so obvious that the only successful group they have is BTS. 

Also, seventeen aswell now being uploaded their stuff onto bighit labels. Seventeen again, i liked them at the beginning, they were growing, coming up around the same time as BTS. The thing with seventeen they were left behind. The last time I had heard of them was when they had plagiarised some song. 

They are talented people but they are very forgettable, they have a few good songs but they just don't have that it factor and I don't see them being bigger than what they are. Like bighit bang pd was like seventeen are where BTS were in 2017/2018 which is belittling BTS because 2017 they were winning the billboard awards, breaking records around the world and doing things seventeen couldn't even dream off. 

Bighit is going to milk seventeen and gfriend and their fandoms dry and in two/ three years when they have debuted their own girl and boy groups they will be forgotten in a dungeon or disbanded. Maybe if their lucky we will see them at the big hit family concert.

I think for me I thought the iland reality show would be great, I liked produce 101 and treasure box but the talent was again non-existent, very mediocre, I felt as though some of the contestants had awful personalities. 

I had assumed once this iland show started they wud be so big everyone wud forget abt txt but they are worse than those in txt. 

When they debut they will have a big following, i tried the show and i think i lost in the little faith I had in bighit from it. Where are they finding these people? Like I am now convinced maybe the talented stars, they see through bighit's bs and their avoiding them.

I think for me, this is again another BTS comeback. And every single time I wake up and check social media for updates on BTS it is all about merch. 

Let me start with the BTS membership, before it used to be on fancafe, which was in korean. Last year it was on weverse and I had always wanted to get a bts membership so I bought it, £30 and shipping. I paid about £52 in total. The online membership you can access it instantly but the membership kit came to me after 5 months of waiting. 

The booklet was all in korean even though it was promoted as global and they had english, japanese and korean translations on weverse but not in the booklet. There was a photocards, a notepad, pen, my membership card and stuff i have never used. 

When I opened it, I was very disappointed because for £52, what I got it doesn't weigh up. Also, on weverse, to watch the videos on pc, they lag. It took me 25 minutes to watch a 4 minute video on weverse. The notifications for bts membership stuff doesn't work so I would see the stuff on social media first. 

£52, it wasn't worth it, I said I would never buy the membership again. 

Also, weverse sucks. On vlive, I had bought Bon voyage 1,2 and 3. The videos worked and I was happy. Bon voyage 4 came out on weverse. 

I had bought Burn the stage....it lagged but I could watch it with a little struggle on weverse.

Bon voyage 4, no chance, the videos lagged sooo much on pc or it didn't play. One video episode 2 or 3 didn't even work for a day and then when it did work they were no eng subtitles for another day. 

Even though I had paid for the Bon voyage, I had to watch it from elsewhere. 

I even emailed bighit and I got a generic email back, they didn't care one bit. So, I decided I wouldn't pay for any of their series again because why should I give bighit my money and I can't even watch it. 

They are now promoting in the soop, I am not buying that. I will watch it elsewhere because why should I pay for something and I can't even see it. It is during the comeback season and they are promoting the gifts, basically you pay for the in the soop which is £35, Bon voyage was the same content but was £19. Koreans watch it for free on their tv.

And you can get photocards if you buy the series for free as a gift. Kicker is shipping is £23. I got the gift for the photocards for burn the stage and the shipping was £7.99. 

So imagine, paying £58 to watch a show you cannot even see and for 7 plastic photocards that will probably arrive in 5 months. 

Same thing with BTS ch+ that used to be on vlive, they moved it too weverse. On vlive it used to be £20 a year, on weverse it is £30 for 6 months, so £60 for a year and the only thing you get is run behind and run behind pictures, no chat, no special pictures, no possibility of a live. You are getting less but paying twice as much, no paying three times as much. Wow, bighit are greedy.

But nothing shocked me as much as when I woke up and they had put the new bts membership up. When I got it, it was £52. But now they are three options. You can just get the online membership which is £22 or you can get a merch membership which is £150. That's more than my BTS concert ticket. 

And the kicker is that it doesn't even include shipping. They say that you get 4 lots of merch in the year thats why it's so expensive but on top of the £150 you also have to pay for the shipping. My shipping is £23 x 4 = £92 + 150 = £242. Do we know what the merch is nope, The first merch is a blanket and something else which looks pretty basic. Probably cost them £2/3 to make. 

Even if the online membership was £22 and the kit is £13. Last year for the online + kit it was £30 plus delivery. I paid £52 last year this year it is maybe 5/6 pounds more expensive. So, with bighit it is never cheaper, it just how to give them the same thing or less for more.

Also, no one knows whats going to be in the kit, will the booklet be translated? Probably not. 

Then there's more merch with tinytan. They released a music video for it and a few days after now their advertising. For me with BT21, it was a slow process, BTS were involved in the making, there were funny videos. But with Tinytan it's so detached from BTS but they look like tiny BTS so buy buy buy. It's such a money grab. 

Just like again the learn korean with BTS bs. They uploaded videos for free abt learn korean with BTS. I am learning Korean elsewhere but those videos were the most useless things ever. 

Now, during BTS comeback season they are announcing a learn korean with BTS book with a talking pen of BTS and hidden BTS voices in the book in connection with some universities around the world. 

Another money grab. For 6 years, bighit never subbed any bts videos on their bangtantv channel. It was until it hit the korean news and people trended stuff that they finally started putting english subtitles or it was probably when they thought hey we can make money of this. 

I am not even going to talk about them doing a theatre screening during a pandemic or alot of other stuff. 

I should be exicted and happy about BTS having a comeback and BTS releasing new music but im miserable because of all these corporate meetings that belittle all their hard work and how their promoting all these merch more than their music. 

I strongly dislike bighit and how greedy the company has become or maybe they have always been like this. Bighit will be BTS's downfall. 

I love BTS with my whole being but I can't wake up every morning to see more merch or for something else to be mad and upset about. Where is the joy, where is the happiness and excitement. I dont want to cry or to wish the comeback would be over because of bighit. 

Bighit has taken away my joy, my happiness, my safety, my laughter because of their greed.

I know greedy companies carry on making millions everyday and I am 1 person but I am going to distance myself from BTS. 

I just hope their legacy and everything they have worked so hard for won't be ruined by such a greedy company.

I am not excited for the dynamite comeback, I have been just miserable and I shouldn't be feeling like this. 

I miss the wings comeback and how exciting that comeback was. I just wanted to let out how I felt. I will always be a fan of BTS and their music but being a fan of someone shouldn't affect my mental health and wellbeing.

Bighit had turned something that gave me joy and laughter into misery. And everything changes and not everything stays the same. And maybe taking a step back and not being so updated might be what is best for me so that I can keep those good memories.

Ahh, i never thought I would be doing this, especially not because of a greedy useless company. But I have too step back, step away from BTS.

I just wanted to write this for myself and to let out how I felt at this time. I will always support BTS but now it will be from afar. I need to not be so emotional attached to them.

Hopefully, no one finds this, it is just me ranting about the things that have bothered me but for some reason I feel better that I have let it all out. 

Currently just existing- No purpose

I remember when I started 2020 I had all these plans and all the things that I wanted to achieve this year. 3 months down the line and I haven’t achieved anything.

I don’t even have the energy to do the fun hobbies that I like, like learning Korean and I also wanted to learn Thai but in three months I have done the absolute minimum.

I realised on Sunday what it was, when I was going to work I was thinking of all the things I wanted to do and achieve when I went to work. As on a Sunday I only do 3 hours but as I walked home that day I felt so frustrated and drained that I ended up doing nothing.

Usually eating junk food helps me get over it but now I feel like it’s so much that junk food doesn’t help anymore.

And I am too tired to do anything that I go to work, come home and watch or read up about the coronavirus and carry on.

I don’t want to stay here in this dead end position. I am grateful for the opportunity but I need to get out. I don’t know how but unless I use the extra time I have after work and during the weekends then I will just remain where I am right now.

I just want to have a passion again. To be nervous and excited about something.

To have a purpose again.

Let me find the purpose and get back to you.

Deciding to look for another job because of toxic work environment

I have been at my job for 8 months now, it is officially the longest I have been at one place now. My previous record was 7 months.

But yesterday I decided that I was done with were I am working now. Before now I always thought maybe I could do a few years there but yesterday it was so toxic that I decided for my mental health that I was done. People being rude, making me feel as though I am less. Just draining me mentally and I am tired of being sad because of them or feeling down or less or as if I am the problem because I am nice.

I think when I realised that I was being made fun of, people were rude to me and because I am not a argumentative or rude person myself and I don't want to change who I am to fit them.

Today cemented my beliefs and my stance to leave. I want to stay there for one year. I have four months left until I reach my one year mark.

I need to start to make preparations to leave.

I need to update my CV and just get back into the groove of applying for jobs again. I also want to apply to graduate schemes, just anything to get away from there.

Work mental strain and giving graduate schemes a go

I have been at my job for roughly 6 months now and until the end of July, things were alright and then one person who I worked with, she trained me and we sat opposite each other. She left and never came back and now a lot of the stuff she did has been  put onto me.

The thing is she was my shield. I did my accounting side and she dealt with the crazy family that run the business. If I haven't mentioned I work for a family business and it is pretty crazy.

I have cried multiple times, I have felt like I am stupid, when they make mistakes it's my fault. When in reality it is not. I am mentally drained. I am tired of saying sorry for things that are not my fault or saying thank you for some one doing what they were meant to do.

I am tired. Drained.

Sometimes, I think about the future, and it's crazy because I am such a loyal person that if I found a decent job I would stay there for years, decades even and last week Thursday I was walking to work and I was just imagining staying there for years, starting a family, weddings, all of that and then when I left my blood was boiling, I was upset with my self. I had been made too feel so small and useless and I know my worth and I know that it is not my fault.

When the girl left, she told me its not you it's them and to breathe.

It felt good to let out how I feel, it's sad because I don't think I can really talk to anyone about how I feel. And I accepted today that this place is negatively affecting my mental state. I am more on edge, not much can make me snap or want to cry and that isn't healthy. That isn't what work should be like and even though it has it's pro's and they are some people there that I absolutely love and would love to carry on working with.

The family is too crazy for me and the negative affects it is been having on me is not worth the money. I have learnt my lesson before where I just left a place and was unemployed for 2 years so this time I will not just quit but I am going to apply for Graduate scheme in 2020. They open up in September and I was ready but haven't been putting that much time into it, when I get home I am mentally drained and tired. This week I even slept at 21:45.

But I need to apply this one last time and if it doesn't work then I will look for another job in a bigger company in the new year.

One year is enough at this place.

April thoughts

I just thought I would come on and waffle about what has been going on in my life since the last post and how my mindset has changed.

So, I created a blog, another one, I think this is the longest blog I have had. But I wanted to create a fitness blog and I had these grand ideas of how I would make money but honestly I can't be asked. It doesn't really interest me like at all and I tried, I spent about £8 or £15 on a domain and other stuff and now I'm done.

It's just chore and I really have no energy for it. I feel as though I am wasting my time I guess.

It's not for me.

But atleast I tried it and it did what it was meant to do.

Now accounting, there was this moment where we had new cleaners where I worked and I had walked past one of them to go to my desk and I thought to myself what is the difference between me and them and I realised that I was lucky 1 and two my education.

For that moment I wanted to carry on with my education, I wanted to learn for fun not to learn for a job. Even the site. I was doing it for money not because I wanted to do it and that was the issue.

So, now I want to carry on learn and grow. I want to learn more about business, about people in the work force and how they work and learning more languages.

I feel somewhat at ease now, i have finally made my decision.

I'm 26, employed and thinking about being self-employed

Yayyy, I am a year older. I am now 26 years old. Where does the time go by.

I guess the biggest change from when I turned 25 to now is that I now have a job. I went through a lot in during the last 12 months. I had signed on to job seekers, so I was attending that once a week and then that turned into once every two weeks.

I had interviews almost once a month. They all turned out to be rejections after rejections. I went on holiday to snowdonia which was absolutly beautiful. Then I started this mentoring circle which resulted in me making 3 new friends which I am still friends with today. I then did my first work experience at a rail company for three days.

That was the first time in more than a year when I had to wake up early and be active all day. Afterwards, I had an 8 week work experience at the job centre, I got to meet everyone, work with my friends and help people. It was fun and I enjoyed it alot.

Afterwards, I went to an interview at a big travel agency and I actually got the place. I had assumed that they would be 2 places, we really weren't told much but there was only one place and I ended up getting it.

That was the first interview after many rejections where I had gotten the job. What I liked about the place was that, I remember one time we drove past it and I remember I was quite young, maybe 16/17 around then and it's a big office building and you can tell it's an office building and can see the desks and chairs and computers from outside and I remember clearly at that time thinking to myself that I would love to work there. Or it would be amazing to have a job there and without knowing or trying I ended up there. Even though it was work experience.

I still had the card that gave me access, I had the desk that was mine.

It was a big company, a company that is on the stock exchange, that makes millions or even billions of profit.

I was surrounded by a lot of white people. There was a canteen, a costa, a cash machine, a sandwich area. A free vending machine that gave free water, hot chocolate, tea. At the press of a button. I remembered at the job centre in the lunch room there being a vending machine and my friend paying like 30p for hot chocolate and how the other vending machine wouldn't even give her a packet of crisps because it didn't work.

They would give you a discount on holidays with the travel company and there were people who got free holidays on the new destinations launched.

The people I worked with, honestly, they were alright. I had to work hard to be more social and it honestly was mentally straining but the work I was doing was so dull and boring that I found time went somewhat quicker if I conversed with the people I sat with.

There was one day though, they had this thing were once a month someone would come and speak. That day we had 3 white guys. I think the CEO, marketing manager and another white guy in a powerful position. And they stood there and talked for about an hour and as I sat there and listened to them talk about things that really didn't affect me. I realised that on every single team the manager was a white guy. So, I went on the website and looked at the members of the board and they were ten people on it. 8 white guys and 2 white women.

It was a realisation that I knew but that made it clearer what country lived in.

These jobs where not that great, alot of them anyone could learn, because when there is a big company sometimes you need people to do basic repetetive things over and over again.

But I saw a lot more pregnant women there than in normal which showed that felt comfortable. You had some sort of a job security and I will give it to the company they tried their best to make it a happy environment.

So, then moving on to where I am working at now. I have a full time job, I get paid a decent wage. The place is a walking distance from my house. And I am doing a job that relates to my degree.

It is something that I probably wouldn't have imagined getting and here it was. As an assistant account/ sales. I work for a family business.

The thing is before I got the job I had given up applying, I was done. I had been unemployed for 2 years and I had been claiming job seekers for a year and I was tired. So, I decided that I was going to become self-employed. Then I got offered this job and honest to God I didn't believe it, it wasn't until I got my first pay slip that I started to believe it.

That leaves me to where I am now. I could take my AAT exams and then try to do the graduate schemes in september. I will have a related job, I will have an extra qualification and more. I might have a better chance of getting a job.

But do I want to, I am 26 now, I started doing accounting when I was 16 in college. I remember leaving the exam for accounting over it, I took multiple retakes and I still left with an E. My first and only E. Ever, I somehow ended up going to university to do that same course and I left with a 2:2.

And now I somehow believe that I can get into a graduate scheme where I will be going against people who have gone to better universities, who have better grades and who are white and male.

But that doesn't really matter what matters is would that make me happy, if by some reason I got a job at a big accounting firm. I got my dream job would I be happy?

Initially yes, I believe I would be happy because that would make my family happy. I would be happy because I will be working at a big firm. But I will be miserable, I will be in shackles again.

Right now I am free, sort-off. I have the freedom to decide  what I want to do with myself and I have been thinking about this for the past few weeks. Going back and forth and I want to be self-employed. I want to start my own business. I want to be my own boss and to do my own things.

This job acts as a safety net whilst I start things up. I know it will take time to build up so that it is profitable but I am smart and I have great ideas and I believe that I will be happier if I was too work for my self.

Wow, actually typing it out and making it into reality feels weird. It feels as though I can breathe again. I believe these 10 years have been a long lesson, I have picked up many skills that have lead me to this point and now I just need to leap with confidence into this journey.

This is my choice. The next ten years will be focused on growing my businesses. I would hope that in a few years they will be profitable enough that I will be able to live off of them.

I know I will have many challenges ahead but this is my only choice. I feel like to be successful I had to reach this point, to come to this understand and here I am.

I am ready to take on this new year, take on a 26 year old me who will be a CEO. A strong smart talented business woman.